Saturday, July 21, 2012

Big Brother Recap: Meet the House Guests!

I finally traded in sneakers for flip flops last week when CBS aired this season's first episode of Big Brother. I understand summer solstice and all that junk, but let's be serious - it's not officially summer until Big Brother is on our TV screens, so let the vacation begin!

In typical Big Brother form, we're told from the start to expect the unexpected... that within the first hour of the new season, one house guest will be evicted and four of the "greatest players that ever set foot in the Big Brother house" would be returning. My mouth was watering already. Julie Chen has only been back in my life for mere seconds and already she knows the things to say to get me riled up.

But unlike last season when street trash fan favorites Rachel, Brendon, Daniele and Dick were invited back in the house to play, this time the returning house guests are back to COACH. Each coach gets a team of 3 players and if one of their players is the winner of the game, the coach gets $100,000. Not a shabby deal...

Mike "Boogie" Malin
Half of "one of the greatest alliances in Big Brother history," Booger is back. I hated him his original season, I hated him in All-Stars, and I still hate him. Nothing has changed. Except he somehow found a way to get uglier... He's still full of himself and thinks he is smarter than he is. The fact that these new houseguests listen to him and believe what he says speaks nothing about how smart he is, but how dumb they are.

Britney Haynes
It's Britney, bitch!!!! Brit Brit is back, and I couldn't be happier. Well, I'd be happier if I was in the Big Brother house as one of her team members, but I won't sit here pouting about it. Been there, done that. Brit Brit's diary room entries are still just as bitchy and just as animated, but this time she's a tad more paranoid... which is ruining her game play. Get your head in the game, baby gurl.
Dan Gheesling
Dan won his season and is a professional football coach... or something, so because this season combines the two things he loves most, CBS decided he'd be a great addition to the coaching staff. Did they forget he was boring? 
Janelle Pierzina
Queen Janie is back in the house, making me even more depressed that I wasn't picked this season... but again, I digress - one of the most kick-ass competitors and probably the house guest with the most Youtube tribute videos dedicated to her, Janie's knowledge of the Big Brother are sure to help out her team. Plus, we wouldn't mind if she gets wasted and tells off the rest of the house for old time's sake.
J-Woww left the Jersey Shore and came to the Big Brother house, but on the way became less lovable. She's everything I hate about Staten Island girls and although she's on Team Brit Brit, I've been praying for her eviction from the moment I saw the "Meet the Cast" videos on There's only one cast member I hate more than her. Stay tuned...
A Playboy model and the prettiest house guest, but also the most boring...

We haven't seen a lot of Shane yet, so normally I wouldn't be sad to see him go if the wind blows that way, but he's just so GD beautiful that my heart would literally shatter. Between him and Dan, I can think of a lot of dirty "backdoor" innuendos I'd like to make.

This is the gay that took my spot in the house. He's prettier than half the girls in the house, but twice as annoying. CBS, if you're reading - F you. If I see one more mess of a gay man on this show instead of me, I'm boycotting.

The brother of Russell from Survivor, Russell 2.0 wanted to make sure nobody found out about his relative because he didn't want to be labeled "the villian" like his brother. Sorry, Willie - it's not the family tree that makes you a villian. It's the fact you're an asshole.

A seemingly dumb spray tan technician. Yes, I love her.

Why this bitch thought it was necessary to lie and say she's a kindergarten teacher when she's actually a nurse... I have no idea. But I can't help but root for her. She's not the smartest, she's not the best competitor, she's not even the best "character," but I just love this woman. 

Frank is ugly as sin and I hate his hair... but he's already showing he's not afraid to do what he got to do in the Big Brother house, and I love that about him. He's definitely someone I'd form an alliance with... It's a damn shame I'm not in that house.
This creep show is a long-time Big Brother fan and is more excited just to be in the house than he is at the chance of winning. Which, I can relate to - but he's such a creep that he scares the actual hell out of me, so no - I'm not rooting for him. At all.

Ding! Ding! Ding! We found the houseguest I hate more than JoJo. I just can't. She's loud, she's ... just too damn much. Go somewhere. And fast. Because not one part of me wants you in the Big Brother house.

Jodi is a step-mother of five and bland as hell. 

A graduate of the Hayden Moss School of Diary Room entries, Joe finds it necessary to yell in the camera every time he is being interviewed. He's also the secretive instigator in the house, and I hope that it blows up in his face sometime soon because he annoys me. I distinctly stay away from Top Chef to stay away from people like him, and now... 
YOU WERE IN MY HOUSE? YOU TOUCHED MY CHIL?! I'm gonn' have to call you back...

A Week 1 Recap will be posted later this weekend, but until then:

What house guests are you rooting for?? 
Who do you want to see go home?? 
What former house guests do you wish were coaches instead of those picked??

1 comment:

  1. This is my first season of Big Brother, and I cannot be more excited for it! A coworker, at Dish, told me to start watching it, and I couldn’t help myself. At first I was very excited to see, what seemed to be, a little calmer Hantz brother in the house. Now, of course, that has changed drastically. I don’t get to watch the show live, but every morning I watch it with my Hopper’s PrimeTime Anytime. It also skips the commercials for me, since it has the Auto Hop feature. I can’t wait until tonight’s episode to see what happens next!