Friday, September 30, 2011

GLEEport Card: Purple Piano Project

Well my little darlings, Sweet Porcelain is back and ready to give you a Glee Report. The off-season has been soooo tumultuous with jaw-dropping announcements about graduation, cast departures ( :’[  ), Plot reworkings, and GOD knows what ever muppet noises Ryan Murphy came out and said to Entertainment Weekly every day this summer. Well, Ryan, I don’t know what you did to my precious Trouty-Mouth (I have my suspicions that he wanted more money than you thought he was worth, and he called your bluff and he had to walk). WELL YOU WERE WRONG. GIVE HIM ALL THE MONEY!....sorry I’m back. Ok lack of Sam aside, this episode gave us some old flavor, but needs to work out some kinks. I’m really glad Ryan listened to me about what we need, but some egregious over-sites have been made. Here we go.

Cory, Cory, Cory. What is going on with you? You open with the charm of a dead trout…oh too soon.
Very clever writers, all of a sudden emphasizing the grade levels of the kids. So we lose Mike this year too huh? Ok Ryan, you bitch. This better be one hell of a year! When the hell did Kurt become a senior? Whatever. Let them runaway to NY. Rachel Barry and Kurt Hummel, I’ve decided, are only stomachable when they are together, so let them go. Actually that spin-off would probably be worth watching. Actually that reality show would be worth watching.

Mercedes, you go girl. I’ve decided this is her year to really shine. AND I CANT WAIT for Biggie (I missed his name, that’s what I’m calling him now) to get Ziss-a-fied and become and a major secondary character.

Is the Hockey Team the new bullies? I don’t know if I can deal with looking at those mullets every week.

When did Emma and Schue happen? Like…umm. Ok. Weren’t they trying to work themselves out even though they knew about their unrequited love? So bored with it!!!

My home girl L-Zizzle better not be relegated to background character LIMBO.

Ok, Tina Cohen Chang can be the voice of wisdom. I’m down with that. Have you noticed like ever since her “I’m just gonna be me” moment she has had nothing but thoughtful, reasonable things to say. Like make her the Velma of the group that’s fine. No, Rachel is NOT a Daphne. Brittany is kinda Scooby Doo.

The Kurt and Rachel meeting with Emma was the highlight of the episode! I could sit and rewatch that scene on youtube for hours! Also Im’a gonna need a copy of that pamphlet entitled “Me and My Hag”…for….merely research purposes, I assure you…

Ohio just seems awful. I’m gonna say it. I’ve driven through it before. 5 hours of my life that I will never get back. These poor children.

OH BECKY! How I have missed you! Just seeing your smiling face warms my icy, black, little heart. I like how her one-liners are still more profound than Brittany’s. Toast is WEIRD Becky, you’re right!

Dear Kurt, you’re becoming quite the little cutey. I even like that plaid vest-top you’ve got on! I know! I’m surprised too! Yes, the bowtie works it this time! Go figure! And trust me, no one wants to see more of your BF than I DO. Mkkaayy. BUT, spending every hour of every day with your significant is a quick track to the break up house. AND this bitch is supposed to leave his prestigious academy, where he’s Elvis in-a-Blazer at the precipice of his senior year, for what? So you can pull an ‘Emma’ and tease at patty-cake for a while? If he does this there better be some serious heavy-gay-petting…..and then brake up. I said it. No I’m not taking it back.

Cheerios reunion! IS it crazy that I like Quinn a little better like this? I mean a little ridiculous, but hell. P.S. Shirley is right! The Go-Gos are cool. But everyone prefers the Bangles. FACT.

Okay. Are we about to get real up in here? No. No we’re totally not. Sometimes Glee does this, where they get slightly political, but then realize they are categorized in the Emmy Noms as Comedy/Musical and cut back. Arts in Schools is actually kind of a serious subject, especially with the economic climate cuz education in America is in SERIOUS danger. And this is actually the perfect forum do snarky,witty banter about pros and cons, and then leaving the audience to digest what they’ve just seen and decide how they feel. BUT once again, I’m looking at you Sex Ed episode, Glee has chosen to neglect its awesome power instead of using it in a constructive manner. If you’re not going to do it right, seriously, don’t bother trying. Sorry. Let’s get back to what’s important.

DID WILL JUST SAY HE IS THINKING ABOUT STARTING A FAMILY?! This bitch is crazier than Emma. Two divorcees, one with severe physical intimacy issues, the other with an unrecognized sex addiction…or something but it’s obvious now he is just not right, I’m convinced he’ll emotionally attach himself to Figgins, if he’d shave his legs. The economy is shit, your students, who you have continually let down over the course of their highschool career need you to focus. And you wanna throw a baby in that mix? Does she even officially live with you?? Like I’m still UNCLEAR on how and when this happened!

Umm dear hot band geeks. Yes please. Is it wrong I am so interested in them? Zissify them STAT! That cafeteria number was hard to watch. Thanks Becky for doing what we all only dare to do. Throwing a cup of frozen peas at Rachel Barry.

Sugar Motta, is a STRIPPER NAME. also I really want her to become the teen villain, which I have been saying this show needs from the beginning. Santana is WONDERFUL, but she’s there for Sue. Jessie, another puppet, was too emotional. A good psycho for psycho’s-sake, well I’m always behind that storyline.

OMG BEIISTTTTE. What a talent she is. I love her so much I could cry. UNLEASH THE BEISTE! Use her more! DO it! Also… is it just me or does Emma seem less…vibrant? Like Sam has to leave, but Emma can stay?

Oh everyone quiet! More hot band geeks! YO Thelma, that plaid suit needs a belt. What is it? Raining outside?

Glitter Bomb!!!! Oh yeah, you two a really in a good place for a baby.

Is it wrong that I secretly wish the show was just about Blaine and Santana? Come on, that Tom Jones number was HOT, and it wasn’t just cuz the piano was on fire.

While it was REALLY fun to watch K and R get knocked down a peg..I really would watch their spin-off.. I kinda wish they would make friends with those other kids. Why is it raining on only one side of the car? And the rain looks really fake. I know I’m a picky bitch, but I notice things like that. Sad moment doesn’t necessarily equal rain. Cliché much?

I WANT BLAINE AND FLINN TO GET into a knock-down-drag-out Whos-a-gonna-be-leading-man FIGHT? Glorious. And Kurt and Rachel can be caught in the middle looking like two panicky poodles thrown into a swimming pool. Yes


Tina Cohen Chang coming back for the metaphorical win. Does her wisdom know no bounds? Wait, are they trying to make her, like, Confucius? Is this another elaborate Asian Joke? I’m seriously waiting for it.

You can’t stop the beat is an amazing song. Don’t F@$k with the tempo. That beginning was not Ok. God, this Glee Report should just be called Bitch-Fest. I am complaining A LOT. But let’s think about how bad the music was in this episode shall we? It’s Not Unusual was the only song that was done well. Hairspray made us feel a little old magic, but the Go-Gos was so-so. (don’t laugh at that) and was there even another song? See I CANT remember and I just watched it! Oh yea. That song about the Wizard of Oz. Seriously? That was the best they could do?

Anyway, I’m really excited for some Santana hijinks. Mercedes ripping it up this season. Blaine and Kurt make-outs. TCC dolling out the wisdom, and Brittney doing the exact opposite. And I want Quinn to go back to normal, but she should keep some hard edge. The pink hair is NOT that awful. Also, before she completely goes over, maybe the Skanks could do a quartette number? That’d be cool. I’d be willing to postpone cheerios reunion for that. Think about it, RYAN. I know it seems like I’m really being mean to you, but I’ll see you next week.

Grade: C+/B-

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