Friday, September 30, 2011

MERRY CHRISTMAS, BITCHES!

Add it to our Christmas lists. If we don't get it, you're all dead to us.


GLEEport Card: Purple Piano Project

Well my little darlings, Sweet Porcelain is back and ready to give you a Glee Report. The off-season has been soooo tumultuous with jaw-dropping announcements about graduation, cast departures ( :’[  ), Plot reworkings, and GOD knows what ever muppet noises Ryan Murphy came out and said to Entertainment Weekly every day this summer. Well, Ryan, I don’t know what you did to my precious Trouty-Mouth (I have my suspicions that he wanted more money than you thought he was worth, and he called your bluff and he had to walk). WELL YOU WERE WRONG. GIVE HIM ALL THE MONEY!....sorry I’m back. Ok lack of Sam aside, this episode gave us some old flavor, but needs to work out some kinks. I’m really glad Ryan listened to me about what we need, but some egregious over-sites have been made. Here we go.

Cory, Cory, Cory. What is going on with you? You open with the charm of a dead trout…oh too soon.
Very clever writers, all of a sudden emphasizing the grade levels of the kids. So we lose Mike this year too huh? Ok Ryan, you bitch. This better be one hell of a year! When the hell did Kurt become a senior? Whatever. Let them runaway to NY. Rachel Barry and Kurt Hummel, I’ve decided, are only stomachable when they are together, so let them go. Actually that spin-off would probably be worth watching. Actually that reality show would be worth watching.


Mercedes, you go girl. I’ve decided this is her year to really shine. AND I CANT WAIT for Biggie (I missed his name, that’s what I’m calling him now) to get Ziss-a-fied and become and a major secondary character.

Is the Hockey Team the new bullies? I don’t know if I can deal with looking at those mullets every week.

When did Emma and Schue happen? Like…umm. Ok. Weren’t they trying to work themselves out even though they knew about their unrequited love? So bored with it!!!

My home girl L-Zizzle better not be relegated to background character LIMBO.

Ok, Tina Cohen Chang can be the voice of wisdom. I’m down with that. Have you noticed like ever since her “I’m just gonna be me” moment she has had nothing but thoughtful, reasonable things to say. Like make her the Velma of the group that’s fine. No, Rachel is NOT a Daphne. Brittany is kinda Scooby Doo.



The Kurt and Rachel meeting with Emma was the highlight of the episode! I could sit and rewatch that scene on youtube for hours! Also Im’a gonna need a copy of that pamphlet entitled “Me and My Hag”…for….merely research purposes, I assure you…

Ohio just seems awful. I’m gonna say it. I’ve driven through it before. 5 hours of my life that I will never get back. These poor children.

OH BECKY! How I have missed you! Just seeing your smiling face warms my icy, black, little heart. I like how her one-liners are still more profound than Brittany’s. Toast is WEIRD Becky, you’re right!

Dear Kurt, you’re becoming quite the little cutey. I even like that plaid vest-top you’ve got on! I know! I’m surprised too! Yes, the bowtie works it this time! Go figure! And trust me, no one wants to see more of your BF than I DO. Mkkaayy. BUT, spending every hour of every day with your significant is a quick track to the break up house. AND this bitch is supposed to leave his prestigious academy, where he’s Elvis in-a-Blazer at the precipice of his senior year, for what? So you can pull an ‘Emma’ and tease at patty-cake for a while? If he does this there better be some serious heavy-gay-petting…..and then brake up. I said it. No I’m not taking it back.

Cheerios reunion! IS it crazy that I like Quinn a little better like this? I mean a little ridiculous, but hell. P.S. Shirley is right! The Go-Gos are cool. But everyone prefers the Bangles. FACT.


Okay. Are we about to get real up in here? No. No we’re totally not. Sometimes Glee does this, where they get slightly political, but then realize they are categorized in the Emmy Noms as Comedy/Musical and cut back. Arts in Schools is actually kind of a serious subject, especially with the economic climate cuz education in America is in SERIOUS danger. And this is actually the perfect forum do snarky,witty banter about pros and cons, and then leaving the audience to digest what they’ve just seen and decide how they feel. BUT once again, I’m looking at you Sex Ed episode, Glee has chosen to neglect its awesome power instead of using it in a constructive manner. If you’re not going to do it right, seriously, don’t bother trying. Sorry. Let’s get back to what’s important.

DID WILL JUST SAY HE IS THINKING ABOUT STARTING A FAMILY?! This bitch is crazier than Emma. Two divorcees, one with severe physical intimacy issues, the other with an unrecognized sex addiction…or something but it’s obvious now he is just not right, I’m convinced he’ll emotionally attach himself to Figgins, if he’d shave his legs. The economy is shit, your students, who you have continually let down over the course of their highschool career need you to focus. And you wanna throw a baby in that mix? Does she even officially live with you?? Like I’m still UNCLEAR on how and when this happened!

Umm dear hot band geeks. Yes please. Is it wrong I am so interested in them? Zissify them STAT! That cafeteria number was hard to watch. Thanks Becky for doing what we all only dare to do. Throwing a cup of frozen peas at Rachel Barry.

Sugar Motta, is a STRIPPER NAME. also I really want her to become the teen villain, which I have been saying this show needs from the beginning. Santana is WONDERFUL, but she’s there for Sue. Jessie, another puppet, was too emotional. A good psycho for psycho’s-sake, well I’m always behind that storyline.



OMG BEIISTTTTE. What a talent she is. I love her so much I could cry. UNLEASH THE BEISTE! Use her more! DO it! Also… is it just me or does Emma seem less…vibrant? Like Sam has to leave, but Emma can stay?

Oh everyone quiet! More hot band geeks! YO Thelma, that plaid suit needs a belt. What is it? Raining outside?

Glitter Bomb!!!! Oh yeah, you two a really in a good place for a baby.

Is it wrong that I secretly wish the show was just about Blaine and Santana? Come on, that Tom Jones number was HOT, and it wasn’t just cuz the piano was on fire.

While it was REALLY fun to watch K and R get knocked down a peg..I really would watch their spin-off.. I kinda wish they would make friends with those other kids. Why is it raining on only one side of the car? And the rain looks really fake. I know I’m a picky bitch, but I notice things like that. Sad moment doesn’t necessarily equal rain. Cliché much?

I WANT BLAINE AND FLINN TO GET into a knock-down-drag-out Whos-a-gonna-be-leading-man FIGHT? Glorious. And Kurt and Rachel can be caught in the middle looking like two panicky poodles thrown into a swimming pool. Yes

ALL HAIL THE RISE OF QUEEN SANTANA!

Tina Cohen Chang coming back for the metaphorical win. Does her wisdom know no bounds? Wait, are they trying to make her, like, Confucius? Is this another elaborate Asian Joke? I’m seriously waiting for it.

You can’t stop the beat is an amazing song. Don’t F@$k with the tempo. That beginning was not Ok. God, this Glee Report should just be called Bitch-Fest. I am complaining A LOT. But let’s think about how bad the music was in this episode shall we? It’s Not Unusual was the only song that was done well. Hairspray made us feel a little old magic, but the Go-Gos was so-so. (don’t laugh at that) and was there even another song? See I CANT remember and I just watched it! Oh yea. That song about the Wizard of Oz. Seriously? That was the best they could do?

Anyway, I’m really excited for some Santana hijinks. Mercedes ripping it up this season. Blaine and Kurt make-outs. TCC dolling out the wisdom, and Brittney doing the exact opposite. And I want Quinn to go back to normal, but she should keep some hard edge. The pink hair is NOT that awful. Also, before she completely goes over, maybe the Skanks could do a quartette number? That’d be cool. I’d be willing to postpone cheerios reunion for that. Think about it, RYAN. I know it seems like I’m really being mean to you, but I’ll see you next week.

Grade: C+/B-

Thursday, September 29, 2011

H8R - Kim Kardashian

H8R, the Mario Lopez-hosted reality show on the CW, focuses on two celebrities a week and their #1 hater. A celeb's biggest shit-talker gets ambushed by the celeb and the 2 must spend the day together, given time to bond and also to discuss the reasons for the hate.  It's a cross between Punk'd and any of the MTV dating shows of the late 90's/early 2000's.

In the latest episode, one of our favorite celebrities, Kim Kardashian, is being hated on by Deena, a 32-year-old angry black woman. She says that Kim is stealing the look (and the men) that belong to black women. When Kim crashes Deena's yoga class, they spend the day painting together. Deena continues her best Bring It On impression with "You're stealing our routine!" and then accuses Kim of doing nothing for the black community. Kim says (in nicer words) "Bitch, get your facts straight. I built a house in New Orleans and I've been to Africa three times."

Is that enough to make the two total BFFs? We don't want to ruin it, so watch for yourselves...

However, we really like this show. Hopefully later episodes will deal with issues bigger than if curves should belong to a black woman or an Armenian woman, but either way, if the celebs are bigger names than the "Stars" dancing on other networks, we'll be watching.

Sleeping Beauty

If you're counting down the days until October 28 for this movie because you think you're going to see Maleficent, turn elsewhere. Because you're wrong.

Sleeping Beauty tells the story of Lucy (Emily Browning), a college girl who takes a job as a "Sleeping Beauty," which requires her to be fully submissive to men. As she sleeps. Time passes, and she begins to obsess over what exactly happens to her while she's sleeping.

This seems dark and twisted. Like Sucker Punch 2 without the alternate dimensions. And we loved Sucker Punch, so we're okay with it.

Abduction

We've learned to ignore what critics say, but Rotten Tomatoes is beginning to get ridiculous. For starters, they gave Scream 4 a 58%. Um... suck it. But most recently, Abduction starring Taylor Lautner, was given a 4%. Yes, you read that correctly: FOUR. PERCENT. 


Now, let's be serious - this is clearly a rip-off of The Bourne Identity. And while Matt Damon is not at the top of our list, Taylor's acting ability is far from Damon's. So yes... it's true - Abduction is the 8th Grade Talent Show (with worse acting) version of The Bourne Identity. The acting was a mess, the dialogue was a mess, but FOUR.PERCENT? Again - suck it.

The movie follows Nathan Harper (Lautner), your average high school hot boy: he parties, he likes the girl across the street, him and his father beat the shit out of each other for fun (What? You never did that?). But after researching missing children for a school project, Nathan finds that he is a missing child. Learning that his whole life has been a lie, he is about to confront his parents when they are murdered. He flees the scene with his neighborhood crush, Karen (Lautner's real life girlfriend, Lily Collins). The rest of the movie follows the two through forests/random homes/trains/crowded stadiums as they run from the C.I.A. and a band of goons. Eventually, Nathan learns there comes a time to stop running and start fighting. And he does. Hard.


Which brings us to the great parts of the movie... The acting may be horrid, but Taylor can kick. ass. We would not want to be alone in an alley with him if he was angry. But we wouldn't mind being alone in a bedroom with him if he was angry. We can only dream of the hate sex...

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

If Only Hellcats Wasn't Cancelled...

We're not going to lie: we love Ashley Tisdale.


Sharpay is our favorite High School Musical character (obvi). We listen to "It's Alright, It's Okay" everytime our heart is broken. We had Hellcats scheduled for season pass on our DVR before it was even picked up. So, naturally, we run to anything she's a part of.

And sometimes... like this time... we wish we hadn't. The premise is cute - a "Where Are They Now?" for Toddlers and Tiaras - but FunnyorDie.com just isn't. Funny. We always hope it will be, but we're always left disappointed. It's okay, Ashley. We'll be there to support you for your next movie...even if it IS a Christmas movie called "Holly, Jingles, and Clyde."




Cue The Celine Dion Break-Up Music...

ATTENTION ALL GLEE FANS KURT HATERS!


Our dreams are finally coming true! Maybe... 

No, Kurt is not leaving the show. We wish. But Blaine and Kurt MAY be breaking up. We can only hope. Although we're SURE we can do without the female power ballads he'll be belting, we'd love to see the little thing cry; crushed at the heartbreak of seeing Blaine with another man.

That's right - Broadway actor Grant Gustin (West Side Story) is joining the cast of Glee in episode 4 as Sebastian, a Dalton Academy Warbler. A gay Dalton Academy Warbler. With his sights set on Blaine. A character description stated that he will be the "male version of Santana; promiscuous and manipulative." 

With Darren Criss set to leave the show for a three month period to star in "How To Succeed In Business..." on Broadway, we're sure things aren't looking good for young Kurt. And we've never been happier about the downfall of a relationship. Gurl, bye.

We're so excited. And a little pissed that we weren't called to play him... We created this storyline MONTHS ago...

Thursday, September 15, 2011

America's Next Top Psycho

Well, it's official. The start of America's Next Top Model: All-Stars brings us faces and smizing we've come to miss, but also brought information that isn't exactly new: Tyra has lost her damn mind.

At the start of the show, we were greeted with an opening sketch that shows Tyra being plagued with nightmarish images of models from previous cycles (all played by Tyra... now that IS a nightmare.) It's not the acting that frightens us - after all, we've seen Lifesize...and may or may not own it on DVD... but it's just the ideas in this woman's head that make us ill.

Of course we'll still watch this season. For one, we want to see which "All-Star" has it to win big this time. But also to see how much more of a crazy mess Ty-Ty becomes.