Monday, August 29, 2011

VMAs: The Awards You DIDN'T See

So, by now, you've watched the VMAs live, or on your DVR (or for our friends overseas, looked at pictures of the winners) and you know the artists that took home the coveted moon men. So you already know the following artists went home with awards...

Best Male Video: Justin Bieber, “U Smile”
Best Female Video, Best Video with a Message: Lady Gaga, “Born This Way”
Best Pop Video: Britney Spears, “I Wanna Go”
Best Hip Hop Video: Nicki Minaj, “Super Bass”
Best Collaboration: Katy Perry and Kanye West, “ET”
Best Choreography: Beyonce, “Run The World (Girls)”
Best New Artist: Tyler the Creator, “Yonkers”
Video of the Year: Katy Perry, “Firework”

But we at Sexy Trash decided to give out some Moon Men ourselves... Sure, we may not have the budget (or celebrity contact info) to literally send gold statues to the homes of our favorite stars, so these virtual awards will have to do...

Most Likely To Succeed: The Unborn Baby of Beyonce & Jay-Z
 If there was ever someone we wanted to switch bodies with "Freaky Friday"-style, it's Babe-Bey/Z. We can not WAIT for this child to get into the business. It's like the Smiths, but better.
 
Who Invited This Bitch?: Jessie J & Jo Calderon


Jessie J is underrated. We wish she was more famous than she was, and it was nice seeing her perform at the VMAs. HOWEVER, to be used as commerical-fade segue music is just a MESS. And a tad insulting...

And Jo Calderone, Lady Gaga's male alter-ego - during the video for "You and I," it was clever. And it may have been clever in the "You and I" performance... but during the whole awards ceremony? Sorry, we invited Gaga, not Jo. So go back home and put on a dress. Or an egg. We don't really care WHAT you wear anymore as long as you come as Gaga.

Dressed In The Dark: Nicki Minaj, Jersey Shore's Deena

Nicki, we LOVE you, but there is such a thing as trying too hard, and this, my darling, is it. And Deena looks like some sort of melted Rainbow Brite Barbie. Her makeup's a mess, her dress is a mess, just... MESS.

Cutest Couple: Jay-Z and Beyonce
At first we were upset we couldn't find a picture of the couple together at the VMA's, but after rewatching the end of this video (4:25+), we realized this is the best way to show how much in love they are. Certainly enough to make us tear up watching Jay so happy...

Cutest PDA: Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez
 We love young love. Selena looks genuinely happy with Biebs even though Biebs looks like he'd be happier with Portia DeRossi....

Cutest Should-Be Couple: Taylor Lautner and Selena Gomez
 We know they tried it before and it didn't work out. But some of the world's greatest couples are on again/off again (Ross and Rachel, helllllloooo...) Please, Selena, FOR US - take him back! And if you don't want him... we'll take him.

 Best Pre-Show Drug Use: Katy Perry
 Was it just us or did Katy seem a little drugged up during her acceptance speech? We get it - she's always been a tad weird and she was excited to win. But she just seemed a little...off.

"Now, this is a time when you want to interrupt me, Kanye," Perry said as she accepted her award. "Oh my goodness, it's nothing like your first time. Your first Moonman, right?"
To this, Kanye corrected her, saying, "No, I have one."

If she wasn't on drugs, it was still a messy and awkward situation.

"The Hunger Games" Teaser Trailer

Last night, MTV aired a "Sneak Peek" at "The Hunger Games." We've been waiting FOREVER for footage to finally leak for this movie and to say that we've had this date on our calendars forever would be an understatement.

We've been looking at every picture, reading every interview, checking for any details about the movie that we might have missed before, so yes, we were VERY excited that we'd be getting a glimpse into the movie we're DYING for.


With that said... MTV and Lionsgate showed 58 seconds of Katniss (played by Jennifer Lawrence) walking/running through the woods. While the woods looks beautiful and she looks great as the book's heroine, we were left underwhelmed. No dialogue, no fighting, no crying, no reaping, no tributes, no trackerjackers... just Katniss & woods. We're still WAY excited to go to the premiere sporting our Team Peeta shirts, but MTV really played us. Next time we're told we're getting a sneak peek, we better see Peeta, Gale, this bitch on fire, and at least a few punches...


Nicki Minaj & Rihanna: "Fly"

Sometimes when some of our favorite artists get together for a collaboration, we're left underwhelmed and frustrated ("S&M" Remix, anyone?) but other times, we are left with songs that we could listen to again and again and find ourselves salivating at the thought of a video.


Well, salivating can come to an end. Because we don't have to THINK about the video for "Fly" any longer. Nicki Minaj and Rihanna have teamed up to film the video for their hit off of Nicki's album, Pink Friday. 

In the video, the two are seen walking amongst wreckage from a plane crash. Nicki's costumes and wigs leave us speechless as always (but our favorite is the leopard print wig) and Rihanna looks flawless. In short, we LOVE the video. Well, most of it. We could do without the random ninja fighting sequence, but besides that - it was simple, it was beautiful, and we feel it. These women show that not everything needs to be a spectacle to be perfect.

Friday, August 26, 2011

I'm STILL Big Red...

Lindsay Sloan, one of our favorite actresses (although MUCHO under-rated) is ready to pop out a baby girl!



FINALLY. She's only been married since 2004, for God's sake.

You've seen her in "Grosse Pointe," "Sabrina The Teenage Witch," and "Bring It On" (and obviously loved her in all of the above...)

Yes, it's true, we wish we saw her on-screen more often, but at least now she has an excuse with the whole "motherhood" thing. Blah, blah... but while she takes time to raise her child, we'll gladly watch her scenes in "Bring It On" and "Grosse Pointe."

"Sabrina" we can do without...


Rihanna: "Cheers" Video

After being underwhelmed by Beyonce's 1+1 video, we were hoping our day would turn around when we saw Rihanna's video to "Cheers."

It didn't.

"Cheers (Drink To That)" is one of our favorite tracks from her newest album, Loud, and we were excited for the video from the first time we heard it. But instead of a fun party video, we're given clips from her current tour and some home videos from Barbados.

We won't drink to that. But we will drink to get through it...

What we do like is Avril Lavigne's cameo during her hook. It's a cute little shout-out that perked us up.

Beyonce: "1+1" Video

We LOVE Beyonce. So much, in fact, that we have her back NO MATTER WHAT. When people say she can't act, we protest. When people say "Run The World" is a whack song with a dumb video, we kick them out of our house. But B, why did you make it so easy for people to trash "1+1"? We're not sure if we can help you this time...

The song itself is repetitive; a little too repetitive. The chorus sounds like the verses, the verses sound like the bridge - it's the same two notes over and over. We're not really a fan. But it was okay, we told ourselves, because B will kill the video.

But then... she didn't. It's a little too lazy, a little too boring. We get it - it's supposed to be sexy, it's supposed to be intimate. Not all sex needs to be a big performance, and neither does every video. We DO get it.... but instead of intimate and passionate, we feel like we're doing all the work and Beyonce's just laying there.

And it also seems like our queen is grasping at straws to stay on top, using what works for other Pop Sensations. Sweat works for Britney, give me sweat! Glitter works for Ke$ha, give me glitter! Having Bollywood Rorschach images works for Gaga, give me Bollywood Rorschach images!!!

B - screw glitter and sweat and Rorschach inkblots. Just do you. Even if we're the only ones that like it, we'll still be your number one fan. But it needs to be better than this. Please. 

Thursday, August 25, 2011

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SUITE GIRL!?!?!



Disney's favorite only Asian starlet, Brenda Song ("The Suite Life of Zack and Cody"), is the latest tween star to bite the hand that feeds her by slutting it up. Little London Tipton decided to sneak off with Miley Cyrus's brother (barf) and get pregnant. Now, don't get us wrong - we have nothing against pre-marital sex. By all means, pre-marital sex away. But Disney, and more importantly, the parents of her fans... well, they might have some issues.


It's good that she's keeping the baby; we just wish the father was cuter. But what's done is done. We hope that Brenda doesn't lose her job because of this "pre-marital scandal." We've been thinking about this dilemma since we heard the news, and it led us to look back at other scandalous tween stars:

VANEXXXA

Vanessa Hudgens, star of the High School Musical films, had nude photos leak before filming began for the third HSM movie. Apparently they were sent to the wrong hands (some people say Drake Bell of Nickelodeon's "Drake and Josh," but who knows - we just know it WASN'T to Zac). A statement was released, she apologized, Disney kept her for the third movie, and everything ended well.

THE PUNCH HEARD ROUND THE WORLD

Demi Lovato was on some sort of (alleged) coke binge/eating disorder rampage/unreported addictions which went hand-in-hand with her depression. This + a bad breakup with Camp Rock co-star, Joe Jonas, equals = Punching her backup dancer/Joe's new flavor of the week in the face. We're not going to lie: we were on the fence with Demi until this crazy bitch did this. Now we're Team Demi until her Skyscraper falls down. But did any of this lead to her departure with Disney? Absolutely not. Mama's back and hotter than before with a new heart breaking single and a new album on its way.

BABYYYYYYYY, THAT BAH-BAH-BAH-BAH-BONG

Miley Cyrus is the queen of tween scandal. Not really, but kind of. Booty shorts during concerts, pole dancing at awards shows. We get it - she can't be tamed. But what REALLY sent parents over the edge was when vudeos of Miley (Miss Cyrus if ya nasty...) taking hits of salvia (a legal drug in California) from a bong hit the internet. Did she lose her job? No, Hannah Montana was already on its way off the air. Did she lose her fans? Maybe... The gays still love her, but little girls have seemed to move on. Miley's latest concert was international only because she wanted to perform for her fans that "truly appreciate her." ...Bitch, Sexy Trash lives in America. You're appreciated here.

KAR-Dopted

I've loved the Kardashians since the first time I saw them, and have always had a strange connection to them. Yes, I even went as Kris Jenner with one of my best friends as Kim for Halloween once, and may possibly be "Wedding Day Kim" for Halloween this year.

I don't want to talk about it...

Sometimes I see them do things on their show and laugh and say "OMG we would get along SO well!" or "I should be their best friend!"

But it wasn't until I saw THIS video that it all made sense... I'm not destined to be their best friend. I born a Kardashian. Kris KNEW I was destined for greatness, but she also knew that fame would go to my head and that I would outshine my sisters... and since it was already decided by the gods that Kim would be the star of the family, she sent me away... to be raised by a great, loving family in the small town of Philadelphia, far from the bright lights of LA, never to know the truth.

But then they made the mistake of making this music video. And every creative juice in my body knows the truth now. I was KAR-DOPTED. And I plan on calling E! this afternoon to get my own show.

Kimply Irresistible

The day you've been waiting for has finally arrived! No, not leaked footage from "The Hunger Games." Pictures of Kim Kardashian's wedding day! And all 3 dresses!! Although we'll always be Kim's number one fan, we're not going to lie... Her dresses were a tad on the tacky side.

HOWEVER - it's a good thing she took a page out of the Kate/Pippa Wedding Guide Book because her white bridesmaid dresses look STUNNING. So, even if she looked like a princmess on her wedding day, at least SOMEONE looked good.





Tonight We're Gonna Party Like It's 1999...

And for good reason. 1999's "It" Girl is BACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.


She's never left OUR hearts, but it's good to know the world is jumping back on her bandwagon. And anything that is a mix of "Cruel Intentions" and "Buffy" is GOLD.

Although we don't have any money, this issue MIGHT be enough to make us order a subscription to Entertainment Weekly. They've had some great issues lately (Men of The Hunger Games, The Help...), and quite frankly, we don't want to miss out on an SMG cover. The last one we have is Maxim from 2008... Yikes.

Go F*ck Yourself!

9 times out of 10, we find ourselves wanting to die instead of thinking something is funny on "Funny Or Die." This video is no exception... With 1 minute and 57 seconds of boredom introducing the video, it'd be no surprise if you didn't make it to the five seconds of the video we DO like.

Dave Franco fucking himself.

Now, while we'd clearly pick his older brother over him ANY DAY, we wouldn't exactly say no to young David. But this video made us wonder (Carrie Bradshaw-style): If given the chance, would we really fuck ourselves?

If the alternate version of me had just a TAD more of a toned stomach and a TAD less body hair, we'd be all in. And if he let us video tape it.

Would you?


Saturday, August 13, 2011

Dancing With The Stars: Season 13

We're not going to lie. We don't watch "Dancing With The Stars." We always try, but we just can't get into it. The routines are nowhere as good as those found on "So You Think You Can Dance," and nine times out of ten, the "stars" are athletes and child stars we've never heard of. Sure, you get a Wendy Williams or Kim Kardashian once in a blue moon, but after two weeks of lousy foxtrots, these women hit the road and are off our screens, leaving us with the "stars"/(READ: nobodies) that will eventually bring home the trophy.

However, ABC execs apparently heard our complaints and are making the 13th season of "Dancing With The Stars" a celeb-filled one. While it's true that the official cast list won't be announced until July 29, reliable sources tell us to be on the lookout for big names this year...

Tiffani Thiessen
She dropped the "Amber," but hopefully her partner won't drop her. We loved her as everyone's favorite cheerleader, Kelly Kapowski, on Saved By The Bell. Will her cheer moves be what it takes to win the title? We hope so.

 Queen Latifah
Wendy Williams showed the world that big black women can't dance. Let's give Queen Latifah a chance to prove her wrong.

 Rob Kardashian
Our least favorite Kardashian. But since Kim's getting married, Khloe's enjoying married life, and Kourtney is raising a child, we'll give Rob a chance to show us what he's got. ...since his Playgirl spread failed to do so.

 Snooki
Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We've been waiting for this since the first episode of "Jersey Shore" aired. Let's be honest - we're over the show, but we'll NEVER be over Snooki. Publish another novel, host a talk show, be in a movie, open a bar. We don't care; we just want more of you and less of your show. But we'll take what we can get. And right now, that means "Dancing With The Stars." We're washing our TEAM SNOOKI shirts as we type. 

Kristin Cavallari
Sorry LC, but we're saying it: We've always been Team Kristin. Sure, we love the LA Candy books, but back in our Laguna Beach days, we rooted for Kristin. Does she have the moves to win DWTS? You may recall Stephen's famous quote... KEEP DANCING ON THE BAR, SLUTTTTTT. That's our girl.


With Tiffani, Snooki, and Kristin in one season, we really won't know who to root for. But we'll definitely be watching.




Thursday, August 11, 2011

The Help

Let's face it: 9 times out of 10, book-to-movie adaptions are going to disappoint. (See any Nicholas Sparks book/film for proof.) Even so, we were excited to see the film based on Kathryn Stockett's best selling novel, "The Help." As one of our favorite books (we read all 560 pages in less than two days...), we had faith in the movie. How could one go wrong with such a talented cast and such a powerful message?


Answer: Director Tate Taylor found a way to.

Don't get us wrong. The basic story was the same - Skeeter, (Emma Stone), a young white woman from Mississippi is unhappy with the way her friends' maids are being treated, asks for help from said maids to write a collection of stories based on these women's lives. Aibileen (Viola Davis) and Minny (Octavia Spencer) are among the maids that help Miss Skeeter, but although the book is published under aliases, all of the women involved are nervous of the consequences if the truth of their identities is revealed.

We enjoyed the movie thoroughly, but we aren't sure we would have if we hadn't loved the book so much. The movie was very fast paced (a little TOO fast paced) and left a lot of major plot points on the cutting room floor. While some of these missing scenes from the book seemed to help (the lack of Skeeter's on again/off again relationship with Stuart), major scenes involving Mae Mobley were missing, leaving Aibileen's relationship with the child not as impactful as it was within the pages of the novel.

What we DID enjoy is the semi-change of ending with some of the sub-plots (NOT Aibileen's, but you can't please everyone all of the time...). Also pleasing to us was the great work of the wonderful cast. It was clear from the start that Davis would be perfect for the role of Aibileen. This woman makes us cry in everything she's in. But it was Bryce Dallas Howard, Emma Stone, and Octavia Spencer who really surprised us.

We've seen Howard in other roles, but nothing that anyone should care about ("The Village," "Eclipse"). However, as the bitch that makes us hate all white people EVER, Hilly Holbrook, Howard SHINES and makes it look almost fun to play such a pig-headed racist. If there's a stage version with all men, count us in.


Stone also surprised us greatly, who we've only ever seen in comedies. As queen of the modern comedy, we were hesitant to see her in such a dramatic movie, but she won us over and we will never doubt her again. Emma, you can have whatever role you want. We support you.

Would we see it again? Yes. Will we own it on DVD? Yes. But we'd rather just read the book again.



Monday, August 8, 2011

Cee Lo Green - "Cry Baby"



Well, Cee Lo has done it again.

And while it's not the "Fuck You" video (nothing EVER will be...), it's pretty great. He managed to bring back the old school pop feel yet again while also bring back one of our favorite childhood stars. We're not going to lie... it would have been fun if this was a nice little T.G.I.F. reunion with Laura Winslow sobbing on the steps as Stephanie Tanner, Topanga and Sabrina danced around Stefan. (We're not going to say Steve Urkel, because let's face it: Jaleel White could definitely get it. Stefan it is.)

But even without a reunion, we still have 4 minutes of Jaleel White winning our hearts. We kind of wish he was a singer in real life because we could get used to watching him in music videos. We'll be the first ones to say it : the man can lip sync like a pro. Eat your heart out, Britney.

Stefan aside, Cee Lo always finds a way to make us feel something. And we're not talking about a big emotional scene where his music changes our lives. No, he makes us feel like we should be a black girl in the 60's. And yes, Cee Lo... you've done it again.  

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Who Needs A Royal Wedding When You Have the Kardashians?

Kate, if you thought Pippa stole your spotlight, you ain't seen NOTHING yet!


E! announced that a two-night, FOUR HOUR wedding special would be airing in October for when Kim Kardashian & Kris Humphries say "I Do."  Not only did they announce it, they sent out our "Save-The-Dates." What E! DIDN'T say was whether or not actual footage from the ceremony would be shown. We can only pray for such miracles...

 A honeymoon sex tape would be nice too, but if not, we can always look to the past.


But seriously... as much as we hate ourselves for it, we'll be celebrating. With cocktails and butt pads.

Brown Is Beautiful

Now, let's be clear... the video below is not news-worthy for a number of reasons. But we're still going to talk about it.




Toddlers and Tiaras makes us sick. Yes, it's funny sometimes, but when you sit down and think about what it is you're watching, it's enough to make even those with the strongest stomachs barf like a pageant mom.

With THAT said... we have seen the parents on this show do a lot of f'ed up stuff to their daughters, and while spray tanning isn't necessarily something we'll do to our future daughter (she'll be black, so we won't have to), we're not sure it's something we 100% shun, either.

But 4 year old Allyson wanting to be "brown" like Beyonce? Um... take a number, honey. Because we've wanted to be a "brown" girl LONG before your 4-year-old ass was even THOUGHT of. And we've been playing with "brown" Barbies long before then, too. And then when Barbies weren't cool anymore, we played with "brown" Bratz dolls. And then when we realized Bratz dolls were ugly and would never be popular if they were real people and not toys, we switched to "brown" My Scene Barbies (and gurllllllllllll, she was FINE)


So, put a ring on THAT, bitch. Cause you ain't got NOTHIN' on us.
 

New Year's Eve



When a bunch big names form together for an ensemble film, sometimes we're left with a great film (For Colored Girls) and sometimes we're left with.... well, not. (Valentine's Day, He's Just Not That Into You).

This movie seems to be leaning more towards the "He's Just Not That Into Valentine's Day" column, but here's why we have hope:

1. Off the bat, there's more people in the cast we legitimately enjoy than in those other movies. Sure, the other two have a bunch of actors we KNOW, but ones that we LIKE as much as Zefron and Lea Michele? Nada.


2. We love New York. And movies that take place in New York in the winter time warm our hearts more than being in LA in the winter time. In fact, we'll be more than pleased if they just take all of Sarah Jessica Parker's New Year's Eve scenes from the "Sex and the City" movie and use them as her scenes in this movie.

3. While this movie will NO DOUBT be corny, cliched and predictable, the trailer looks more promising than "Valentine's Day" did. Plot-wise, we seem to have more of a "plot" than the 2 minute vignettes V-Day offered... vignettes that resulted in NO character development and no real story, either. At least we have Zac Efron driving Michelle Pfeifer around NYC to make her dreams come true. Or something. We wish he was making our dreams come true by riding us... We mean...



HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!