Sunday, January 23, 2011

If It Wasn't For Me, Then Where Would You Be, Miss Leighton Mee-ster?

Well, well, well... First Annie, now Gypsy. That's right - talk on the street is that a remake of the classic musical/movie is underway. You know the story - A stage mother pushes her two daughters into show business. The cute bubbly blonde one is her headliner while the lanky brunette plays second fiddle. (Story of our lives...) When they grow up, the bubbly blonde runs away with one of the backup dancers, leaving the mother to push the brunette to be the new star. Except when they find themselves booked at a burlesque club, the brunette goes with it and becomes one of the most successful burlesque performers of all time. (Now it's REALLY the story of our lives...)

It's been on Broadway numerous times and it's been a movie numerous times. This time, however, we've got Barbraaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (Oprah voice.) That's right - everyone's favorite Funny Girl, Barbra Streisand is set to play the definition of a stage mother, Mama Rose. We LOVE when Hollywood only casts one role in familiar tales because it lets us practice for when we become casting directors...

Without further ado, our Gypsy dream cast...

Mama Rose: Barbra Streisand

Herbie: Richard Gere

Young Louise & Baby June: Ariel Winter & Elle Fanning

Tulsa: Zac Efron
We know, Zac. We know. You don't want to do musicals anymore. But it's for a couple scenes and then you run away with the blonde bitch. Suck it up.
June: Kristen Bell
We'll get this bitch in a movie if it's the last thing we do...
Louise/Gypsy Rose Lee: Lea Michele or Leighton Meester
We can't decide...

Kristen Bell, Why Won't America Love You?

 With You Again coming to DVD on February 8, we decided to take a look back at Kristen Bell's career. With 44 projects under her belt, why isn't her name a household one that flows easily from our tongues? Well, it flows off ours, but we ask - why doesn't it flow from yours?

We've watched her since Veronica Mars, and we've been waiting for her to blow up since then. But as time passes, and she's cast in supporting role after supporting role, we feel the hope in our hearts shrinking little by little. Burlesque? We loved it, but her 15 minutes on screen won't have anyone raving about her performance (except us.)

We hear you, we hear you. Some people are just meant to be supporting roles than living life as a leading actress. Well, if you think that about KBell, it's obvious you've never seen Veronica Mars, but even more so - you're lying.

It's happening to Emma Stone, who was just a supporting actress in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past and The House Bunny. Suddenly, she's blowing up.. Zombieland, Easy A, Spiderman.

And KBell's Veronica Mars' BFF, Amanda Seyfried, already had her BAM moment. Going from the sidekick in Veronica Mars and Mean Girls to owning the screen in Dear John, Jennifer's Body, Mamma Mia, and the upcoming Red Riding Hood.

So what do these two girls, and others who have done it before (Rachel McAdams, we're talking to you...), have that KBell doesn't have? KBell is just as pretty as these two, Brutus is just as smart as Ceasar... oops. We mean, KBell is just as talented as these two. So WHY do other actresses blow up out of nowhere, quickly skipping steps on the ladder to fame and award show nominations while others seem to be stuck somewhere in the middle?

Sure, we hear her voice every week on Gossip Girl. Big deal. And she was flawless as the title character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but it seems that her co-stars (Russell Brand, Mila Kunis) are making the rise to fame while KBell stays nestled on Fame Ladder rung #5. We want you to bop to the top, KBell. Do it for us.

Could it be possible that KBell is this decade's SMG? We think yes.

Her best role was, and will always be, the title character of the show that made her famous (Veronica Mars/Buffy). And while she may have a great movie under her belt (Forgetting Sarah Marshall/Cruel Intentions), most of her movie roles seem to fall flat (When In Rome/Simply Irresistible). However... SMG is coming back to TV, in what will hopefully be a great new show and launch her career like we've been waiting for. So, it's your move, KBell. You're already back on TV.... Well, your voice is. But we think it's high time you launched that career. We have our money ready to buy tickets to anything you're in, so please let us spend it...

Saturday, January 22, 2011

"Fuckin' Perfect" Video

It's no secret that Pink makes great videos, and while we may normally prefer the fun ones ("So What" and "Stupid Girls" are our favorites...), it's her serious ones that leave us speechless and with chills running through our bodies. And her new video, "Fuckin' Perfect," off of her new album, "Greatest Hits... So Far," is no exception.

We teared up more than once while watching this video. Honestly, we haven't been this moved by a video since Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful." While most of the video is tough to watch, be warned that 2:20 - 2:50 is particularly sickening and isn't for the easily disturbed.

New "Abduction" Stills!

While we wait (im)patiently until November for Breaking Dawn, part one of the first installment of the Twilight series, we'll be able to feed our Taylor Lautner appetite a little earlier in the year with Abduction, a movie that finds TayTay as a teen who discovers the people who have raised him aren't his real parents - and that's not the only secrets they've been keeping.

Yes, we understand that it's Face On The Milk Carton, but with action sequences... but more importantly, it's Face On The Milk Carton with action sequences and Taylor Lautner.

While we'd really prefer a trailer, the three new stills will have to hold us over for now.

10 TV Shows We'd Like To See As Musicals

Since the news of the Annie reboot, we've been suffering from Broadway fever. Even as we type this, we're belting out Legally Blonde and Wicked show-stoppers. We've been choreographing dances on the subway as our iPod shuffles from song to song, we've been creating songs for any and every occurrence, and we've been thinking of what scenarios would make good plots for musicals. With yesterday being a big night in television (Real Housewives finale and the second episode of Jersey Shore IN ONE WEEK), we got around to thinking... some TV shows would really translate perfectly as a great stage show. (No, Spiderman is not one of them.)

And before we begin... Glee isn't one of them, either. We get it - it's practically a stage show already; it's a fun show with great performance numbers. So what's the problem? Without the TV cast playing their roles, the show would fall flat. And let's face it - while some (Lea Michele, Matthew Morrison, Darren Criss, Jonathan Groff) could easily reprise their roles on stage, others (Cory Monteith, Dianna Agron) wouldn't be too hot without the auto-tuning machine they've come to love so much. Plus, Glee plot lines are always hit or miss (usually miss), and musicals without great plots leave audiences wanting more and posting negative reviews on their blogs... Just ask Spiderman.

Sex and the City
We've watched our girls conquer men, New York City and even other countries. So why not Broadway?

Gossip Girl
Much like our Cruel Intentions musical, Gossip Girl has enough sex, scandal, heartbreak, lies, frenemies, and backstabbing to fill two and a half hours on stage. And Leighton Meester can play Blair, obviously.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer
While Buffy already had a musical episode, we want a whole new plot and brand new songs. The plot will obviously focus on the Apocalypse, as does all things Buffy, and would ideally take place pre-Dawn, while Buffy was in high school. Because let's be serious - that's when our girl was at her best.

Three's Company
This show was always very much a farce, and we always thought it would translate well to the stage. So why not just add music? Plus, anything with the 3 leads in booty shorts makes anything great.

The Simple Life
We're aware this is a reality show, but think Legally Blonde meets Working. Two spoiled rich girls from LA get sent away to Arkansas with no credit cards or cell phones to live with a local family. In the process, they learn more about themselves and their friendship.. perhaps the Paris/Nicole feud would fit nicely in the middle? That's hot.

Full House
Unlike other choices on our list where focusing on plot lines from specific points in the series, we think an original storyline would work best for a Full House musical. Perhaps a real send off to the series? Instead of Michelle losing her memory from falling off a GD horse... we're still pissed.

Ugly Betty
We loved watching Betty for four years as she grew into herself and found herself moving up in the Meade offices. We miss her, we miss Marc and Amanda, we even miss Daniel. We'd be more than happy to buy a ticket for a Betty musical on opening night if it means getting to see all of our favorite characters again.

Pretty Little Liars
While Season 1 isn't even over yet, we figure the musical could focus on important plot lines from the first season, as well as the big reveal of Ali's killer. Be sure to stick around for the finale, "Gonna Find This Bitch" when the girls discover A's identity.

Desperate Housewives
We've been planning this musical since the show premiered. The mystery of Mary Alice's death would be the main plot with dashes of our favorite housewives sprinkled in. We'd pay full ticket price just to see Gaby/John duets... only if he's shirtless.

Jersey Shore
Focusing only on plot lines from the first two seasons, songs could include "Cabs are hea'," "G.T.L," "Rock the Pouf." However, the real showstopper will obviously be Snooki's ballad, "Talkin' Bout A Guido."

I want a man with a tan
And a little bit of muscle,
And by 'little bit,' I mean a lot.
A guy who is fly
And will put up with my hustle,
And it won't hurt if he's hot.

I'm talkin' bout a guido,
Juice head or gorilla -
Come and party my way,
But take it easy, Killa'.
Cause I like it rough,
But don't punch me in the face
Cause I learned from my mistakes,
And now I carry mace.
I'm talkin bout a guidooooooooooooo.

(And yes, we wrote that ourselves... MTV, feel free to contact us to make this musical a reality.)

Friday, January 21, 2011

American Idol - New Judges, You're Going to Hollywood!!!! So is everyone else....

Let's face it - American Idol has been over for a while now. We were okay with the four judge format... you need to mix it up, stay fresh - we get it. Kara was useless, but nice to look at, and that was fine - when she was sitting next to America's favorite trainwreck, Ms. Abdul. But when Paula checked herself out, so did we. Bringing on Ellen as her replacement was a joke - one that we didn't understand the punchline to. And when news broke that Simon was leaving, it was obvious that the show would really never be what it used to be.

It was nice that Kara and Ellen were shown the door as Simon left, though. If he made his exit and left that mess of judges at the table, we'd lose all respect for him. Telling young hopefuls they'll never make it? Fine, we still love you. But leaving us with Ellen, Kara and Randy as judges? We don't know which one is the most useless as a judge...

So, although we'll always miss the Simon/Paula pairing, our hopes rose when we heard Jennifer Lopez was filling the famous middle chair. Steven Tyler in Simon's chair didn't thrill us or disappoint us - we don't really think about him one way or another... but J.Lo, oh, we think about her. And we love her. Gigli, Jersey Girl, falling down on award show performances - we don't care. We're there for her through all of it.

But we caught the premiere this week... and while we love watching J.Lo, they are far too nice. Sure, sometimes it pained us to hear Simon crush dreams, but anyone can allow anyone with a voice on to the next round... why hire Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez to do it? Watching them "YES" contestant after contestant got boring... and if their feedback to the Top 24 is the same way, we're predicting a very boring season with a very whitebread winner.

But we're sure there will be another season. There always is... for some reason, America won't give up on this show. Well, feel free to call us Canadian... because we're giving up.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Rob Kardashian is Playgirl Pretty

Playgirl has offered $45,000 for the naked ass of the son of Hollywood's First Family. That's right - the Prince of Reality TV, Rob Kardashian, may be baring all (well, all that is on his backside) for the famous magazine.

While most people assumed we'd be interested in [Kourtney Kardashian's beau] Scott [Disick], my interest actually lies in the adorable Rob Kardashian," Playgirl rep Daniel Nardicio told E! News. "Rob is a perfect example of the classic Playgirl model, and we'd be proud to have him join the ranks of other quasi celebs to strip for Playgirl."

Now... we're not sure when the 'classic Playgirl model' meant "Fame and money hungry with an average face and an average body," because let's face it - Rob Kardashian isn't really what our naughty dreams are made of. But with that said, we're not saying we'll let this issue collect dust on the shelves, either. No... we'll buy it. We have to. We've done so much to support this family already; why would we stop before buying nude pictures of Rob's ass?

Although, when it comes to average faces and average bodies... nobody does Playgirl better than our baby boy, Levi Johnston:


Bristol, we don't blame you, girl. We would have ended up pregnant, too...


Spiderman: Turn Off Your Brain

Yes, it's been a while since we saw Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark on Broadway. (We saw it January 4...and it's now the 20.) Were we slacking in the blog writing department? No. It just took us 16 days for our brain to process what it witnessed...

We're not sure what show Oprah is gushing over... because if it's the same Spiderman we saw, we're never listening to her again and we'll boycott any book that ever makes her list. Anyone that could say this show is "great" is out of their mind.

This is AWFUL and a one way ticket to hell, but we spent the show praying that the show would suffer one of its infamous "technical difficulties" so that we could at least be entertained... Is that rude?

It's really a shame that the music/script were so bad because the actors were good in their roles and select set pieces were amazing. Although we'd prefer if Peter Parker had a shirtless scene, we'll settle for Reeve Carney in tight pants. The show might have sucked, but we're not blaming you for it, Reeve... You're one of our new Broadway crushes - just do yourself a favor and find a new show. We hear Rent is coming back - why don't you try that? We won't even ask you for a refund on our Spiderman ticket. You can make our $80 back to us in other ways. Wink wink.

While some of the set was bedazzling, the set designers should really have decided on which direction they wanted to take the set artistically: some pieces were made to look hand-drawn and comic book-ish, while other pieces were very much life-like. Pick one because switching between the two just looks tacky...

But the music was just so bad. There is not one memorable song that audience members can leave the theater singing... unless of course it's the chorus to the tune that a chorus line of spiders sing about high heels. While they wear high heels. No, we aren't kidding. There's a chorus line of spiders. In high heels. It may be one of the only things about this show that isn't leaving our memory anytime soon... And rumor has it that Bono refuses to rewrite/add any new songs. Well, isn't that nice?

But really - we understand you may want to see Trainwreck: The Musical, but save your money. We're sure there will be a bootleg one day. Don't ask us for it, because we're not wasting $10 for a DVD of this show... but some poor sap somewhere will make the mistake of buying it, and we're sure that once they do, they'll BEG you to take it out of their hands.

B.E.T. Your Young Money That Tomorrow There'll Be Sun...

Willow Smith may have to start whippin' a red clown wig if her dad and Jay-Z have anything to say about it...

Will Smith is in talks with Sony to remake the classic musical Annie with Willow as the title role. Jay-Z is potentially going to work on the music...which we can only hope means adding sick rhymes and hip hop beats to the already written show tunes, a la:

Because we'd hate if they disposed of the classic tunes and went with 100% new songs; we know how updating classics using new raps and hip hop songs can ruin a movie... Jay-Z can ask his wife how Carmen: A Hip-Hopera turned out.

Besides new songs, casting could also be a hit or miss issue. Quite frankly, we'll be pissed if this isn't an all black version. Why cast Willow Smith and have rap superstar Jay-Z in production, and ruin it with boring white people filling other major roles? It's no surprise that black people do everything better. After all, wasn't that the moral of the story in Dreamgirls? That's what we took away from it, at least... Whatever. In any case, if Hollywood big shots were thinking of leaning the white way, the Sexy Trash staff has made a cast list for you to follow so you can do it the right way -

Annie: Willow Smith, obvi.

Miss Hannigan: Whitney Houston

Daddy Warbucks: Taye Diggs

Rooster: Usher

Lily St. Regis: Nicki Minaj

Grace: Gabrielle Union