Monday, December 6, 2010

Mean Girls 2: Midas's Revenge

Everyone knows the story of King Midas - a greedy bastard who wishes that everything he wishes will turn to gold. He touches food, it turns to gold. Big boy is going to get hungry. He tries to pleasure himself, he turns in to Goldmember. He wants to hug his daughter, he's left daughter-less but has a great golden statue of her, instead. We get it - be careful what you wish for and don't be a greedy bastard. Nice morals.

But what fable is there to teach people the opposite? Turning gold into shit? There hasn't been one.

Until now.


Mean Girls 2 (which, not surprisingly, will air on ABC Family and be direct-to-DVD), is destined to fail. There are some things that should just NOT be touched. I used to think "Bring It On" was one of these things, but after 4+ direct-to-DVD sequels and a soon-to-be Broadway adaption, I'm giving up on that theory. But "Mean Girls"... No one would ever be stupid enough to touch my "Mean Girls," would they? Sure, bring it to Broadway... I'll be its number one fan (if I'm not playing Regina, obviously; which, clearly, could be a reality...)


But a "SEQUEL," which in reality just seems to be a Z-list less-funny remake, with none of the original stars!? Oh... pardon me - Tim Meadows is back as the principal. Tim Meadows, who CLEARLY has no respect for his previous projects. If he did, he wouldn't sell out for a paycheck, but instead know to say no to protect art. Even Lindsay, who has many, many problems was smart enough to turn this movie down. Mr. Meadows, the last time an original member of a hit decided to return for a spin-off by himself, it was called "Saved By The Bell: The New Class," and we saw how that did. And the time before that? Frenchy in "Grease 2," and again... we've witnessed this.

If it couldn't be told from what was previously stated, I hate everything about this movie.
I hate the poster... which is identical to the original, except with girls not as pretty.
I hate the tag line - "The Plastics are Back!" ....No, bitch - they aren't. Home-schooled jungle freaks who are a less hot version of the Plastics are back.
I hate the trailer - see below. If you WANT your eyes to fall out.
I hate the "stars" - Meghan Martin, first you come after "10 Things I Hate About You" (which, fine... I liked, but didn't need to be done), and now THIS!? Stay away. 
I hate the plot - ANTI PLASTICS?! What is going on in the world?!
I JUST HATE IT, OKAY!? I want my pink shirt back.


Yes, I'll probably watch it. But I'll cry the whole time. Cry that the world has come to this. Cry for the world that might have been. And pray, with tears in my eyes, that one day Tina Fey will come back with avengence for the movie that has brought such joy to my life... by bringing "Mean Girls" to Broadway. And she'll turn to me to play Regina. Hell, Tina, if you're reading... I'd even settle for Damien.

What I WON'T settle for is "Mean Girls 2."

5 comments:

  1. Haha, I was JUST about to write this as I got your comment on FB <3

    Anyway. This is just. I don't even know. I want to cry and scream and vomit all at the same time. (Sounds like something Jennifer could do.) This has no relevance to the first movie (I shudder even SAYING that, as if this movie relates Mean Girls in any way). This has no relevance to anything. This is just. This makes Needy want to kick everything. I RECOMMEND THIS MOVIE SHUTS THE FUCK UP.

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  2. I'm kind of excited about this.
    There's nothing I love more than a terrible movie on ABC Family.

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  3. This should be illegal. Not only are the girls not as pretty, the clothes are tacky and the jokes are not even funny. You better not backtrack on February 12 and say how much you love it.

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  4. I follow snooki on twitter and she retweeted you but I couldn't message you the link of her book tour schedule so I'm leaving it here.. http://authors.simonandschuster.com/Nicole-Snooki-Polizzi/78534122/author_appearances

    She's in Columbus Circle on the 10th.

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  5. I can not believe that they are making a second one, abc is just desperate to get more viewers and more attention. They need to stay put to Greek, and stupid shows like teenage pregnancy and stuff.

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