Monday, December 6, 2010

Mean Girls 2: Midas's Revenge

Everyone knows the story of King Midas - a greedy bastard who wishes that everything he wishes will turn to gold. He touches food, it turns to gold. Big boy is going to get hungry. He tries to pleasure himself, he turns in to Goldmember. He wants to hug his daughter, he's left daughter-less but has a great golden statue of her, instead. We get it - be careful what you wish for and don't be a greedy bastard. Nice morals.

But what fable is there to teach people the opposite? Turning gold into shit? There hasn't been one.

Until now.

Mean Girls 2 (which, not surprisingly, will air on ABC Family and be direct-to-DVD), is destined to fail. There are some things that should just NOT be touched. I used to think "Bring It On" was one of these things, but after 4+ direct-to-DVD sequels and a soon-to-be Broadway adaption, I'm giving up on that theory. But "Mean Girls"... No one would ever be stupid enough to touch my "Mean Girls," would they? Sure, bring it to Broadway... I'll be its number one fan (if I'm not playing Regina, obviously; which, clearly, could be a reality...)

But a "SEQUEL," which in reality just seems to be a Z-list less-funny remake, with none of the original stars!? Oh... pardon me - Tim Meadows is back as the principal. Tim Meadows, who CLEARLY has no respect for his previous projects. If he did, he wouldn't sell out for a paycheck, but instead know to say no to protect art. Even Lindsay, who has many, many problems was smart enough to turn this movie down. Mr. Meadows, the last time an original member of a hit decided to return for a spin-off by himself, it was called "Saved By The Bell: The New Class," and we saw how that did. And the time before that? Frenchy in "Grease 2," and again... we've witnessed this.

If it couldn't be told from what was previously stated, I hate everything about this movie.
I hate the poster... which is identical to the original, except with girls not as pretty.
I hate the tag line - "The Plastics are Back!" ....No, bitch - they aren't. Home-schooled jungle freaks who are a less hot version of the Plastics are back.
I hate the trailer - see below. If you WANT your eyes to fall out.
I hate the "stars" - Meghan Martin, first you come after "10 Things I Hate About You" (which, fine... I liked, but didn't need to be done), and now THIS!? Stay away. 
I hate the plot - ANTI PLASTICS?! What is going on in the world?!
I JUST HATE IT, OKAY!? I want my pink shirt back.

Yes, I'll probably watch it. But I'll cry the whole time. Cry that the world has come to this. Cry for the world that might have been. And pray, with tears in my eyes, that one day Tina Fey will come back with avengence for the movie that has brought such joy to my life... by bringing "Mean Girls" to Broadway. And she'll turn to me to play Regina. Hell, Tina, if you're reading... I'd even settle for Damien.

What I WON'T settle for is "Mean Girls 2."

Top 25 Christmas Movies

As I was coming up with the list of the "Top 25 Christmas Movies," it was obvious to me that I should have my own network. In a list of 25 movies, I may be stretching it for a few of them... (See #19 and 24), but they are movies that really do remind me of Christmas... unlike Harry Potter (cough cough ABC Family...). For the most part, these movies are films that are great at putting you in the Christmas mood - if they were just the best movies, regardless of mood, I'd clearly have "Black Christmas" on the list. ...I'm not joking.

25. Bad Santa
While it may not have the best "Christmas feel," this is a great movie, and I'd be an idiot to the 25th degree to not include it on the list.

24. Rent
Christmas might not be the FIRST thing you think of when you think of RENT, but if you think about it, it is very much a Christmas film. More than half of the movie takes place on Christmas, and its main themes are love and friendship. If that doesn't say 'Christmas,' I don't know what does..

23. Christmas With The Cranks
Two parents want to go away for an island holiday, but are reminded of what the season really means.
Don't worry - this is not the only time you will see Tim Allen on this list.

22. Just Friends
A fat boy with a heart of gold turned hot douche falls in love with his high school best friend. At Christmas.

21. Fred Claus
Vince Vaughn plays the same character he does in every movie ever... except this time he's Santa's brother.

20. Frosty the Snowman

The Christmas carol that everyone knows stretched into a movie. With an evil magician added in for some nice sub-plot. Why not?

19. Mean Girls
I think this picture says it all. Best.Christmas.Scene.EVER.

18. It's A Wonderful Life
No, I don't like old movies. (Old movies to me = made before 1990). Nor do I like black and white movies. But plot-wise, this movie is a great Christmas film. If it was ever re-made, I'd be on it in an instant. Possibly a Rachel McAdams/Ryan Gosseling reuinion? I'm in. But remake or not - this movie serves as the plot for basically every TV show's Christmas episode... so it's okay in my book.

17. I'll Be Home For Christmas
Jessica Biel. JTT. Christmas. Roadtrip.
I think you can see why this movie made the list.

16. To Grandmother's House We Go
Mary-Kate. Ashley. Christmas. Roadtrip.
I think you can see why this movie made the list.

15.Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
To be honest, I always get this movie confused with "The Year Without a Santa Claus." But I enjoy them both.

14. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer
Story telling snow men? An elf that would rather be a dentist? A red nosed reindeer that sounds like a tranny with a cold? An island of toys that would make Syd from Toy Story squeal with delight? Christmas GOLD.

13. A Muppet Christmas Carol
A retelling of the classic Christmas story... but with Muppets. There's like, 7 things that are flawless about the previous sentence.

12. The Grinch Who Stole Christmas
The cartoon; NOT the Jim Carrey/Taylor Momsen one. I repeat... NOT the live-action version.

11. A Christmas Story
I didn't see this movie until high school, when one of my teachers (who didn't so much teach as much as he degraded women, made fun of my obsession with the Olsen twins, and let us watch movies) introduced me to it. It's still the best thing he ever taught me.
10. The Year Without a Santa Clause
God bless you, Heatmeiser. God bless you.
9. The Holiday
While I CAN'T STAND Jack Black under most circumstances, he somehow manages to win me over in this movie... Add in Cameron Diaz (who is my favorite of Charlie's Angels) and Kate Winslet, and you have a cup of British holiday cheer.

8. Four Christmases

Reese Witherspoon could star in "The True Story of How Poop is Made," and I'd watch it. I love her and I love Kristen Chenoweth. Together. In a Christmas movie? Done and done. Sure, Vince Vaughn is in it... playing the same character as before (except this time not as Santa's brother), but it's still good for many, many laughs - especially if you find Vince Vaughn funny. If not, it's just good for many laughs.
7. Diva's Christmas Carol
A Christmas Carol with a SBW as Scrooge? And Kathy Griffin and T-Boz as ghosts? I'm sorry... this was made for the gays. But instead of telling you why this is one of the greatest Christmas movies, I'll show -

6. The Family Stone
This movie makes me want a deaf boyfriend. Or a black one. Or Rachel McAdams as a snarky sister. Sarah Jessica Parker's character may be the least likeable character in a Christmas movie ever - even ahead of the Grinch and Scrooge, but the rest of the cast does more than make up for her. With that said, it's still a great family film - definitely the saddest on the list, but a great family film, none the less. Just remember to bring the tissues.

5. The Santa Clause
I told you Tim Allen would be back...

4. Home Alone 2
Kevin McAllister is back - ass kicking & sassing the 2 thieves that he tormented last Christmas... this time in New York City. This movie would be higher on the list, but...

3. Home Alone
Nothing will ever surpass the original. Keep the change, ya filthy animal...

2. Elf
If this movie doesn't make you laugh AND warm your heart, you're a cotton headed ninny mungus with no sense of humor and no heart... so Merry Christmas.

1. Love Actually
This is a sign I made describing this movie. No, not really - but this movie, like Rent, has all different forms of love... and I can't watch it without tearing up (in a happy way, of course!)

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

"We R Who We R"

Ke$ha's "We R Who We R" video premiered today. Finally (I feel like I've been waiting forever...), and people are already tearing it apart.... so much so, that you'd think it wasn't a music video, but the latest episode of GLEE.

Some people are saying it looks cheaply made. A few are saying she is hopping on the "It's okay to be different, we're people, too! It Gets Better!" bandwagon with this song. Some are saying she is clearly mocking Gaga's "Telephone" video. Others are calling it the poor man's "Firework" video. The worst are those taking the low road and saying they need a shower after seeing her.

I, for one, love it. Ke$ha, the song, the message, the video - all of it.

I've loved her dirty, just rolled out of someone else's bed look since the first time I saw her. She finds a way to combine street trash and fabulous, and makes it work. She doesn't need a shower. In fact, it's those rare instances when she looks clean that I don't like the way she looks.

Mocking Gaga? Paying homage? I'd like to believe it's the latter, but either way - I loved the "Telephone" video, so references to it anywhere are okay in my book. And if it turns out she is mocking it, I'll just say it's a spoof and move on. (I love spoofs...)

As for the message of this song - sure, it seems convenient that after a harsh wave of teen suicides, there are plenty of artists (Pink, Ke$ha, Katy Perry) who are singing songs about not fitting in and being yourself. And yes, we know Christina did it first with "Beautiful" - at a time when it wasn't the safe option to sing about it. But whether it's jumping on a bandwagon or not, this message is one that needs to be heard now by some people. We can only hope that when the nation moves on to their next big campaign, and struggling teens are not media's main focus anymore that these artists are still sending out messages of support...

Check the video below and decide for yourself.

What are your thoughts on Ke$ha's new video? Flawless or fail? Mocking Gaga or honoring her? Sound off in the comments section!!

My Friends Belong in "Special Education"

Well, it's that time of year again. Sectionals on Glee. A year ago, I was watching this show alone on my couch, tearing up as Rachel belted out "Don't Rain On My Parade," and full out sobbing while Shue chased Emma down the hall as the voices of New Directions sang "My Life Would Suck Without You." Part 1 of Glee's first season was officially over; I would have to wait until April to see my beloved song birds again...

For the two of you who don't watch this show, this is what you're missing.

But while we may see our favorite glee clubbers at Sectionals once more, it does not mean another pause. No, Glee will be back next week for a Christmas episode (!!!), and then we'll only have to wait until the Super Bowl for the show to return. Getting rid of the 4-month pause was not the only change since last year's Sectionals. Emma is dating Carl, (a dentist played by John Stamos), Finn slept with Santana but is dating Rachel, New Directions lost Regionals, Kurt transferred to an all boy's school, and possibly the most drastic change: I no longer have DVR. Or cable, in general. I'm forced to watch all of my programming online.

So, as I waited for HULU to post the newest episode, "Special Education," I asked some friends their opinions, and was showered with a sea of varying opinions: Mostly uneventful, but I still enjoyed it, def my least favorite; I loved everything about it, def one of my favorites; I'm hating Rachel more by the minute; Nothing happened plot-wise, I only liked one song.

As I sat down this morning, ready to watch, I didn't know WHAT to think. Would this episode change the way I felt about Rachel? Would I be bored to tears as I watched an episode that was full of no plot? I've watched the episode now, and the only conclusion I can make about why I received such texts is: I am the only sane one out of everyone I know that watches this show.

No plot? Did we not see the secret wedding, the unrequited love, the relationship problems, the fights, the break up, the jealousy?? True, SOME of these story lines may have been suited better if they were stretched out into an episode or two instead of being shoved into a two-minute reveal. But this is Glee; you're not going to get that. What we DID get is plot. A plot, which I would even dare to say, that was anything BUT "uneventful."

Hating Rachel more by the minute? BLASPHEMY. I can see where she can be a little selfish and whiny at times, but everyone in that school is legitimately NASTY to her. "We pretend to like you?" And Mr. Shue yelling at her and putting her down in front of the WHOLE CLASS? He is a terrible teacher and a terrible human being. I've been over him since halfway through season one, but he sealed the deal tonight. Rachel, I may be the only one in the world... but I got your back, girl.

Only one good song? In an episode filled with "I've Had the Time of My Life," Amy Winehouse, Florence and the Machine, and an acapella version of "Hey, Soul Sister," you're going to tell me there's only Sure, "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina" isn't my favorite song, but if anyone were to do it justice, it's Rachel & Kurt... People are seriously trying to kill me with words. It's not going to happen. Why? Because I am no longer listening to you - instead, I am popping in my iPod and playing the songs from this episode.

So, there are my thoughts on the newest episode. Next time I send you a text asking how Glee was, know that it is simply hypothetical. If your answer isn't "OMG. I LOVED IT," I don't want to hear it. Unless of course, I didn't like it... then you're more than welcome to dislike it, as well. Everyone can have an opinion, mine is just the only one that counts.