Monday, November 29, 2010

Sexy, Trashy Friday: Queen B vs. Harajuku Barbie

I first realized I wanted to grow up to be a Sassy Black Woman (SBW) when I was a young lad of 5 or 6. My family didn't have Disney Channel (because in those days, you had to pay extra for it), but those special weekends throughout the year when Disney Channel gave free access to everyone, I made my grand fatherwhip out blank VHS tapes and record "Adventures in Wonderland." Little did he know I was watching so that I could one day grow up to be the Queen of Hearts.

But because we live in a sick nation where society tells young white boys they will never grow up to be a SBW, I repressed those feelings and went living my life as a Sassy White Boy, instead. For 14 years, I held my SBW inside, keeping my sass, class and weave hidden from the world. And then something happened to me. And her name was Lil Kim.

I was obsessed, and there was no hiding it. No longer would I hide my SBW. There was no reason to. Kim taught me it was okay to be flashy and to flaunt my fabulousness, and I did. Eventually, she seemed to disappear, but I had her hits on mix CDs to keep me in check. My SBW was here to stay. Other independent women stepped in my life to keep me going strong - Beyonce, the bitch from "Save the Last Dance," Rihanna, Queen Latifah, Jennifer Hudson. It was okay that Kim was out of the spotlight. She made her dent in my life and was letting others finish molding me.

In 2009, she appeared on "Dancing With The Stars." I didn't watch. She wasn't the same. She wasn't making music. She had bad plastic surgery. I just wanted to remember my Kim from early 2000's. To me, Kim 2K10 didn't exist. I would always hold Kim: The Early Years close to my heart, but I would no longer be following her career.

Earlier this year, the world began speaking of another rap goddess making a name for herself: Nicki Minaj. At first, I was hesitant. But as soon as she spit her first rhyme in my ear, I knew I had a new role model. Suddenly, Nicki BLEW UP. She was everywhere. If you were a relevant artist in 2010, Nicki was rapping on your album. I wanted to be her for Halloween. Scratch that. I wanted to be her in LIFE. I was in love.

But not everyone felt this way. Especially not a certain plastic faced former rap goddess... She had choice words for my princess, my Barbie. And she spouted hate every chance she could. "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!" I thought, screaming like Nancy Kerrigan post-beating. My two favorite baddest bitches in the biz having a feud. Lil Kim accuses Nicki of stealing her style... blah, blah, blah. Just because she's a female rapper who is owning the charts? Does George Washington accuse Obama of stealing his style? Does Biggie accuse Weezy of stealing his style? No... George & Biggie have both passed, but even if they were still around, I don't think they would... So why all this Nicki hate from Kim?!

Oh. Kim has an album coming out early 2011? It's suddenly making sense. It's smart, Kim. Ride that Nicki train all the way to the bank. CHOO CHOO. I was okay with it.

UNTIL "Black Friday." Spitting hate at Nicki in interviews wasn't enough for Kim anymore... she released a track attacking Nicki and her album, Pink Friday. Not okay.

First off... the lyric that listeners seem to be quoting/loving is "It’ll be a murder scene/I’m turning Pink Friday to Friday the 13th."  ....The Friday the 13th reference has been done before, bitch. BY NICKI. In Ludacris's "My Chick Bad," Nicki says "It's going down, basement/Friday the 13th, guess who's playin' Jason?" So go ahead, Kim... turn it into a murder scene because Nicki will SLAUGHTER your ass.

She also uses Nicki's song "Right Thru Me" against her, using a clip from the song... which I'm sure she did not get permission for using. So I can only hope that after Nicki is done slaughtering Kim's ass that she sues it.
I have not forgotten where I came from. Kim gave birth to my SBW. But when she got up and left me on someone's doorstep, it was a group effort to make sure I was raised correctly. And I'm under Nicki's wing now and won't turn my back on her just because Kim is trying to step back into my life... 
I hope you had fun on "Dancing With The Stars," Kim, because Nicki owns the charts now... and let's face it - you're not welcome there anymore.


  1. Wow Kim...take your non-emotional botox face and uneventful lashing out raps elsewhere. People like Nicki, rephrase that, LOVE Nicki, and you attacking her doesn't bring any love your way. So back it up, back it up, back it up....and get the hell outta here....unless your daddy didn't teach you good?

  2. 1. I'm upset that I can see both of their vaginas in this last pic lol

    2. I could care less about Lil Kim. The only things she's ever done in my eyes is wear a purple sea creature costume to the VMA's and get accosted by Diana Ross as result, and rap about the Moulin Rouge.

    3. I don't DO female rappers, ever. But I love me some Nicki. Have we SEEN her doc on MTV? GENIUS.