Wednesday, September 1, 2010


...see what I did there? I'm so brilliant; sometimes I can't even deal with it.

"Scream 4" is opening April 15, 2011, and I, for one, could not be more excited. A quick warning: I would be excited if sock puppets acted out "Scream 4" on a Youtube video (which I'm sure exists, but refuse to look it up), but the fact that it is going to be a legit movie in theaters just makes me bleed glitter. I've been waiting 10 years for this shit, and I'd wait 10 more years for the next one...

Some people who I consider close (even best) friends have never seen these movies... and for that, I am ashamed and appalled. At them, of course, but also at myself. What kind of "friend" lets some of the people he cares most about go through life without seeing these amazing movies? Answer: A bad one.

Yes, they're "horror" movies, but more like Baby's First Horror Movie. While they may be a tad gore-y, they were made in the late 90's/early 2000's, so it's NOTHING compared to that sick "Saw" shit that's out today. While it may be "jump-y," it's nothing that a viewing of "Sex and the City" won't cure after. These movies are fun. And smart.

When I would tell people about "Mean Girls," I'd say "It does for High School comedies what 'Scream' did to horror films." And people would get it. "Ohhhh, it's smart AND fun!" Yes, you are correct.

But these bitches up in here that have gone 10+ years without watching 'Scream' would not get such references. Nor do they get references when I refer to "Jennifer's Body" as "'Scream' meets 'Mean Girls'" or when I refer to "Pretty Little Liars" as "'Scream' meets 'Gossip Girl.'"

Ladies, you know who you are. October is quickly approaching. Do yourself (and me) a favor - suck it up and watch all 3. You'll be glad you did. And I'll be glad you did when April 15 rolls around and I have someone to see the 4th one with (after I see it with you, Big Sexy...)

And the 4th installment is sure to be a crowd pleaser... with so many familiar faces, it's almost as if it's "He's Just Not Slicing Into You." But don't think you have to sit through the first three movies just to see faces you're used to from TV in the newest version. Oh, no, gurllll... there's plenty of familiar faces in the first 3 to keep your motor going. In fact, it's almost like all of my favorite shows got together and had a Halloween party. And now...since I'm obvi. on the list and you're with me, you're invited! Aren't I just the nicest??


Gale Weathers

In the first installment, we meet Gale Weathers, played by Courteney Cox. She is the original HBIC. She owns shit and doesn't care what people think of her. Because of that, she gets punched in the face, but ehhhh... all in a day. She lives to see the 4th movie, so home girl must be doing something right. If the worst she walks away with is a black eye, well... at least she's walking away.

But when NOT in Scream, we all know and love Courteney from "Friends" where she plays Monica Gellar. Although not our favorite character, the overly-clean (and shrill) roommate was hard not to love.

Principal Himbry
He's in two scenes. But I just like having Fonzie on my screen. Ayyyyyyy.

Tatum Riley
 Arguably the best character in the first movie.... make that the whole series..., Rose McGowan does a great job as Tatum, Sidney's bitchy best friend. Like Gale, she tells it as it is, but in a more high school bitch way as opposed to television reporter way. And let's face it: when it comes to high school bitches vs. professional ones, I'm always going to choose the high school one.

She was also on "Charmed." Her name started with a P, like everyone else on that show. I didn't really watch it... I just wanted a reason to include this fierce bitch in the post.


Film Class Guy #1
Normally, an unnamed character in a horror movie would mean this guy gets gutted faster than he can run. But in this case, it just meant Joshua Jackson was too busy stealing Joey from Dawson to film a real part for this movie and producers just wanted to flash his face in trailers so tween'ers could moan "Ohhhhh Pacey." But, hey - it works for me. Ohhhh Pacey.

To the five of you who haven't seen these movies - I'll try not to give too much away, but usually horror movie characters with no last name isn't really a good sign for their fate... Let's just say we won't be seeing my boy Derek in the fourth one. Which is a shame because I do love his character as well as Jerry O'Connell, in general...

Except when he guest starred on "Ugly Betty." He was a jerk and was mean to my favorite tranny, Alexis Meade. I wish this O'Connell character died instead of... well, again - I don't want to ruin anything, so... carry on.

Casey 'CiCi' Cooper
You just read that having no last name is the death wish of horror movies, so you think this bitch having a nickname and last name would let her slide on through to the third film... but alas, Sarah Michelle Gellar did not pay much attention on the "Buffy" set on the "How to Kick Serial Killer Ass" day... And so, we only see her for one scene. But it's a good scene if that makes up for anything.

And we can see any skills she lacks in "Scream 2" in all 7 seasons of Buffy... except the 2 episodes where she dies.

Debbie Salt
I love things named Debbie Salt. I love them even more when they were previously named Aunt Jackie.


Christine Hamilton
Before she was XOXO'ing as Lily VanderWoodsen, Kelly Rutherford was being killed in the opening scene of "Scream 3." Not only did Christine die, though, but another character who was once a main player in the "Scream" franchise, showing that when it comes to trilogies, anything can happen. So watch your backs, bitches.

Jennifer Jolie
Jennifer Jolie plays Gale Weathers in the movie-within-a-movie, "Stab 3." She easily steals every scene she is in, which is not shocking as Parker Posey does just that in mostly everything she is in, including her appearances as "Dorleen the Whoreleen" on "Will & Grace."

Detective Mark Kinkaid
Before McSteamy, he was McDetective. Not as cute as McSteamy, but still gets the job done.

Roman Bridges
On "Felicity," she had to choose between Ben and this charming young lad, Noel. I was always a Ben man, myself... But that is neither here nor there. There is no love triangle in "Scream 3." There is just a serial killer. And because of that serial killer, "Stab 3" gets canned... much to the dismay of its director, Roman Bridges.


4 No-Name Bitches
Sorry, ladies... I love your work. Seriously, I do. 90210, Pretty Little Liars, True Blood, VERONICA MARS... I consider them all my favorite shows. Check my Facebook if you don't believe me. But the fact that it took a week to film your scenes and you're not posted on IMDB... Well, it ain't lookin' good...

Kirby Reed
Hayden, I loved you on Heroes.... until it started sucking. But until then, I loved your non-dying ass. I have a feeling you won't have the same power in this movie, and that makes me sad. But hopefully you are the killer because I'd love to see you be cray cray...


  1. While I do know my J's Body and Pretty Little Liars, I guess I should brush up on my Scream 3....thanks for being inspired.

  2. Where is Sydney????

  3. This still does not make me want to know anything about this Gale Weather whoever.

    I guess it just wasn't meant to happen for me.

    Oh well, at least I got you.

    xoxo bitch

  4. Shenae Grimes has bothered me since she left Degrassi.

    That's cool though. It will give me more of a reason to want her to die in this movie.

  5. LOL I love all things Debbie Salt, especially when they used to be named Aunt Jackie... LOL I love Sexy TRAAAAAAAAASH