Friday, August 27, 2010

Big Brother: My Abusive Boyfriend

 Times that reality show competitions leave me happy are few and far between. For every Kris Allen on American Idol, there's a Taylor Hicks. For every Jordan Lloyd on Big Brother, there's a Dick Donato. For every Jeanine Mason on So You Think You Can Dance, there's a (and it's still so recent, it pains me to type this...) Lauren Froderman. However, like a bad ex that was sometimes good in bed, I have to go back everytime it's offered. I know there's a 90% chance I'll hate myself afterwards, but there's the 10% that thinks MAYBE, JUST MAYBE this time will be different...

So, here we are - Summer 2010. The ex is back. Just like he is every summer. Offering one more chance at happiness... and he comes in the form of "Big Brother."

A quick back story, all good reality TV stars have a back story:

I've been watching "Big Brother" since season 6. For the past three years, I have attended open calls and/or sent in audition videos, and for the past three years, I haven't gotten so much as a call back. Why? Well, number 1 - I think the audition man in Philly hates me for some unknown reason, and 2 - that's all I can think of. Because let's face it - I would make great reality TV. I'm funny, I'm somewhat attractive, I like to drink, I like to get naked, and I am very competitive and would sell a bitch down a river to win "Big Brother."

And what REALLY gets me... is the season I first auditioned was the season with Steven (the gay cowboy).

Sure, I may not have been a cowboy, but he was Snoresville, USA and I would have been better. Now he has moved on to a career in PORN. ....He is out to ruin my life and steal my career. First "Big Brother" and now THIS? If he marries Zac Efron/Taylor Lautner/Jake Gyllenhaal or publishes a book that becomes a CW show, I'm out for blood...

But that's enough back story for now. You googled your way to a "Big Brother 12" blog, not a scorned man venting about his lack of fame, and so a "Big Brother 12" blog you will get...

BUT FIRST... (that was in my best J.Chen voice, by the way)

Every summer, when the "Big Brother" cast is announced, I am torn. A part of me is glad, ecstatic even, that the show is in my life again. Another part of me, however, hates every single new house guest from the beginning... just for the simple fact that I am not them. They are sleeping in my Head of Household bed, eating my slop, winning my veto...

Usually a good number of the new house guests win me over, though, and I wonder what I ever could have hated about them.

You'll notice I said USUALLY. This year, only two house guests have won me over...


Without these two house guests, my summer would have been meaningless. Not only is Britney a great competitor (3 Power of Veto competitions!), she does AMAZING diary room commentary. This season would have been a total snore fest without her witty, sassy and often overly bitchy remarks about her fellow houseguests...

I will not graffiti my blog with pictures of Rachel... so if I talk about her from here on out, just know it's the parrot-faced, shrill red head with cheap extensions that I'm talking about. But we don't need to talk about people I DON'T like (yet...). This section is dedicated to the two that I DO enjoy, so on with the show - Ragan is also great. America seems to be very Anti-Ragan, and I don't get it. He seems like a nice person, he's good television, and I just like him. Would I be better TV? Yes. But again - this is not my time to be bitter and vent.

The time has come. People I hate. Rachel, yes. We discussed that.

But there is a 4-Headed Monster in the house (well, 3 now. One was cut off...) and they call themselves "The Brigade." I, however, call them the "Barf-gade" and need them off my screen IMMEDIATELY.

Matt "The Brains, Enzo "Meow Meow," Lane "The Beast," & Hayden "Animal"
If my summer ends with a 2 Brigade member final 2, I will never watch BB again. (I say something like this every year, and yet... I am back.) But seriously - I hate anything named Meow Meow. I get it, I do - The BB producers obviously brought in this self proclaimed "Italian celebrity" to ride the coat tails of "Jersey Shore" fame. While I will always be a fan of guidos, I am not a fan of guidos with acne marks and thinning hair. Plus, I am the male Snooki, so if producers were looking to fill that role... Enzo stole my spot - another reason for me to have nothing but hate for this man.

We are down to the final 5. Meow Meow, Lane, Hayden, Ragan & Britney. 2 vs. 3, Team Fabulous vs. The Barfgade, Heaven vs. Hell, Good vs. Evil. However you need to think about it to get it through your head to figure it out is fine with me. But number-wise, we're not looking good. And without giving too much away (To the 2 of you who do not stay up to date with live feed news - sorry for the spoilers!), a Brigade-r is Head of Household this week, so it's looking even worse for my perfect pair.

I'm thinking Ragan is going home this week with a Britney eviction following next week. Every summer, I give this mess of a show my heart. And every summer, it pulls it out of my chest, screws over my favorite houseguests, and breaks it. But yet I come back. When will I see this the worst kind of abusive relationship? I may not be harmed physically, but emotionally, oh emotionally, this show screws me sideways in ten positions. And I let it. It always promises to be different, but never is...

Just gonna stand there and watch me cry,
But that's alright because I love the way you lie,
Love the way you lie...


  1. Okay you are officially insane. I have so much to say I don't even know where to begin.

    1. I agree that Britney and Ragan are the only people left worth rooting for, but as far as the only people in the house to wrong.

    2. I like people who actually play as opposed to people who just make snarky comments. Which is why Rachel and Matt would have been one of the best final 2's ever.

    3. I don't necessarily like Rachel and Brendon together, but they played the shit out of the game and Rachel totally deserved to stay a little longer. Separately they weren't so bad. Bad hair extensions? Yes. However, also a great player to some extent.

    4. The Brigade. No, I don't want them to win. But I can't help thinking that if one of them wins, they totally deserve it. Whether we like it or not, they really are one of the best alliances Big Brother has ever seen. However, I think that's only because this years cast was so stupid and could never figure it out, not because they necessarily played a good game.

    5. However, they DID play a pretty great game most of the summer. For an alliance to form in week 1 and still be three members strong in the final five is impressive and something that's really never been done before. Yea, I'd rather a Britney/Ragan final 2, but the Brigade deserves to be there. Their alliance was literally never outed to the house, not once. They kept it hush hush the ENTIRE summer, and that is huge in itself.

    6. Plus, what was shocking to me is after reading a bunch of live feed discussions, the Brigade actually seem like decent people. I was so afraid they were gonna turn into misogynistic homophobic assholes, but not once did they ever make fun of Ragan, or make any overly male dominating comments. They just aren't those types of people haters want them to be. Haters want Enzo be another Dick Donato, and he's just not.

    7.Lastly, I don't think America hates Ragan. Having said all that, I'm still rooting for Britney and Ragan.

  2. To the above, re: #6

    The Brigade has shown themselves to be homophobic in the past, and increasingly antagonistic toward Ragan as time goes on. I don't know what feeds you're watching.

  3.'s my thought:

    If we're talking about the Brigade and people still deserving to be there because they "played" the game. Enzo, who knows he shouldn't win, hasn't won a GD thing.

    And with Rachel, just don't get me started, whether people feel she deserved to stay or not, America did not have to be subjected to that mess. I'm sure the producers made her that way, but I don't care, still hated her, gone.

    With the Brigade, aside from Matt, whom they wanted to throw under the bus, have not won statistically very much in the game. Hayden won HOH first, and didn't win again til this week.

    Brit Brit and Ragan are of course my favorites for sure, though I do have a soft spot for Lane in my heart cause he's a smokin country boy. But, when Rachel said, floaters get a life vest, she really should have meant Enzo, and he should be gone....WOOF WOOF, meow meow.

  4. OMG I LOVE YOU! So awesome

  5. Here's my thoughts, in bullet form.

    1. Brit Brit shot herself in the foot foot turning on Brendon like that. Matt doesn't like her either. If she makes it to final two, she's not winning. Sorry.

    2. The Brigade should have brought her in within the first week when she helped get Rachel on the block. But, since their leader is an ape, who is shocked that they didn't?

    3. Getting rid of Matt is the dumbest move on the Brigade's part. Matt should've played to get rid of Hayden. Genius yes. Smart move throwing Ragan under the bus? No.

    4. I've been vocal about my love for the Brigade and the Meow Meow. Clearly that is because I love secret groups and Meow Meow makes me laif and laif. I'll love any alliance.

  6. i do enjoy big brother, but i havent really gotten to seeing much this summer! :( I do hope that youll get on the show soon, and yes, youd be like my main reason to watching it haha :)