Saturday, January 30, 2010

Preview in Review #4

Included in this post are the 7 previews that were shown before "The Tooth Fairy." Of course, they are all children's movies. Some are cute, and some are... well... Take a look for yourself:

7. Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore

Absolutely not. Like... I can't.

6. Despicable Me

This trailer tells me NOTHING. ...Except that I hate this movie already. I've never been more annoyed by a can that makes a "Moo" sound. And yes, I've seen more than this one.

5. Marmaduke

I didn't like the comic, and I don't like the trailer. Call me when there's a "Family Circus" or "Cathy" movie. Now THOSE I would watch.

4. Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief

This is the longest title for a movie I've ever seen. With that said, I wanted to see it when I saw this preview before "New Moon," and I still want to. I like teenagers doing magic and fighting movies. Except "Harry Potter." I hate that lightning bolt head wizard. But son of Neptune? That I'll see. ...However, I could do without Pierce Brosnan. I love Rosario Dawson, though..

3. How To Train Your Dragon

This looks cute. Probably one of the better kids' movies on the list (I'm talking to you, Kitty Galore...), and Kristen Wiig voices one of the characters, so one can only hope to hear a "...sorry" from one of the dragons.

2. The Karate Kid

I don't remember the original. Wax on, wax off. That's the closest my memory comes to remembering the original. But I do like Will Smith's son. Jackie Chan...not so much, but that's okay. I'll keep one eye closed the entire movie to block out the part of the screen he's on. No, he actually looks pretty tolerable during this preview. I mean, he's certainly not the spy next door in this movie. Thank God...

1. Toy Story 3

I loved the first two, although the first installment will always be the best. Let it be known I will most likely cry during this movie. And laugh, obviously. Mrs. Potato Head's one eye is already making me crack up. But seriously... what 18-year-old still has a toy box? If he still in the attic...fine. But a toy box? Really, Andy? Really??

The Tooth Fairy

I've liked the Rock since he went by "The Rock." Back when I was fat with glasses and Elvis hair and watched wrestling on TV every week. No, Dad, it has nothing to do with two men in underwear rolling around.  ...I swear. Anyway, he was my favorite then, and although his acting ability won't be earning him any Oscars this awards season, I'm not ashamed to say I've seen all of his movies.

Can you smellllllllllllllllllllllllll what the Rock is cookin'???
Yes, Mr. Rock. That would be my LOINS burning...

Although I'd prefer if he was in more ...ahem... adult films, I still enjoy him in kid's movies. As long as he stays away from anything called "Southland Tales." We made that mistake once. Let's not do it again.

This movie was cute, and although I liked the NON Tooth Fairy related parts a lot more than the parts including tooth fairy business, there were a few scenes I enjoyed, even with the wings.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson plays Derek Thompson who is a minor league hockey player nicknamed "The Tooth Fairy." He is given this name because, instead of actually trying to score, he is simply called to the ice to fight his opponents and knock their teeth out. After a great game, he goes to his girlfriend (Ashley Judd)'s house, where he almost tells her daughter that there is no such thing as the tooth fairy. That night, he finds a summons under his pillow and is taken to Fairy Land. As a consequence of ruining children's dreams, he is forced to act as a tooth fairy for two weeks. He does, and along the way, believes in dreams and fairies.

It's obviously predictable, and no, the world wouldn't be any better or worse if this movie didn't exist, but overall, I DID enjoy it. And yes, the shirtless Rock-er room scenes helped. It almost makes me want to rip my tooth out and see if he comes in my window tonight.

Stay Tuned for More FIST PUMPING!!!

As everyone knows by now, MTV was in talks with the cast of "Jersey Shore" to sign for a second season. The cast wanted more money than MTV was offering, and said that if they didn't ALL get the amount they wanted, NONE of them were doing it. Hey, it worked for "Friends," why not JWoww Aniston? So, MTV was holding out on the cash, the cut-off date for the cast to decide was quickly approaching... So, what's a 15-minute of famer to do? Join without your friends, of course!

That's right... Ronnie signed on before his friends. Sad day. Could you imagine six new cast members and Ronnie living in a house? No thanks. Six new cast members and Snooki... fine, but Ronnie... I'll pass. Well, anyway... we don't need to worry about that now. has just reported that the WHOLE CAST has signed on for SEASON 2. They are in negotiations now as to how many club appearances they can make while still filming. TMZ writes, "Cast members -- especially Snooki, Pauly D and The Situation -- want the right to appear at as many as four clubs and other venues a week ... where they've been raking in good money in appearance fees."

I AM SO EXCITED. I hope their job is as lifeguards this year. I want Snooki climbing up that lifeguard stand NOW. ...And I know a lot of beaches in Jersey are turning them down and not letting them film season 2 there because it will give them a bad name... Um, first of all... think of the PUBLICITY. Are you insane? Second... MTV, If everywhere turns you down, the cast can come live in my backyard for a summer. I have a pool.

Friday, January 29, 2010

KBell talks "When In Rome," "VERONICA MARS" MOVIE, and "Burlesque"

The NY Post just released an interview with my favorite actress in the world, Kristen Bell. They talk about "When in Rome" (which I'm seeing this weekend and can't wait to review), but what also came up was that damn "Veronica Mars" movie. Okay, I'm getting annoyed. I know she is, too. Just do it or don't. But stop dangling it front of my face. I can't take it anymoreeeee.

PopWrap: So I've gotta ask about "Veronica Mars." Last we heard it was DOA, still the case?

Kristen: There's really no new news unfortunately. Rob Thomas wrote a treatment about a year ago, brought it to Warner Bros and they said there's no enthusiasm to make a "Veronica Mars" movie at this time. Which means, they don't think it will sell tickets -- because, let's face it, no one is going to finance a movie when they don't think they'll make money back. So it's all a matter of convincing them that people will go see it.

PW: Oh, I'd buy six tickets!

Kristen: I make them aware of that fact this question comes up in every single interview I do. People will see it, but it's such a small community -- what they need to realize is how fiercely loyal they are. For example, if you have a TV show that gets 10 million viewers, they think that if even half those people see the movie, they'll earn their money back. Even though we only had 3 million viewers, each and every one of them will go see it -- twice!

Okay... first of all, I saw "High School Musical 3" NINE TIMES in theaters. And "Mean Girls" ELEVEN. This is not an excuse. Just make the f'ing movie. People will see it. Not to mention, everyone I know that loves it started watching it ON DVD long after the series ended. Make it now when KBell is still young because what I DON'T want is A. A new cast and/or B. Old Professional Veronica. I want her in college. I want her sneaking around and juggling Piz and Logan.

Whatever... I'll just come to terms that I will never get a VM movie and that these interviews are just ways to dick me around. How rude.. I didn't like when you did it to Logan and I don't like when you do it to me, Veronica... er, Kristen.

Anyway - what we ARE getting from KBell is "Burlesque," the movie musical about a burlesque club starring KBell, Cher, Christina Aguilera, Dianna Aragon (Quin from "Glee), and Cam Gigandet. I have been waiting for this movie FOREVERRRR, and although we don't get new information about the movie from this interview (It's great working with Cher, dancing is hard, blah blah), it's good to hear the film being talked about.

Moral of this post: Warner Brothers, get your heads out of your collective asses and start working on the VM movie.

You can view the whole NY Post interview HERE.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Blue Mountain State

The cast of "Blue Mountain State"
Left to Right: Sam Jones III (Craig), Gabrielle Dennis (Denise), Darin Brooks (Alex), Chris Romano (Sammy), Alan Ritchson (Thad), Ed Marinano (Coach Marty)

I love comedic TV shows and movies about college, no matter what they focus on. As long as it takes place on a university campus, you can count me in. Greek. Accepted. The House Bunny. Sydney White. Saved By The Bell: The College Years. Hell, I'd even watch Everybody Loves Raymond: The College Years. And I f-ing HATE Raymond.

And Blue Mountain State on Spike TV is no exception. Now, normally a show about football that airs on the "network for men" wouldn't be my cup of tea, but there's just something about this show that makes me tune in. And it's not just the locker room scenes.

The humor and content on this show are exactly what you think you'd find on Spike TV: masturbation, sex, trannies, big parties, sex toys, syphillis. But I love it. It's like producers made American Pie about football and set it in college.

The show follows the three football players (and the mascot) at Blue Mountain State.

Freshman Alex Moran (Darin Brooks, who soap fans may recognize as Max Brady from Days of Our Lives), is the backup quarterback for the team and is afraid he will end up like his father - stuck in a life he doesn't want, is determined to live in the moment and make the most out of his college years...which of course means binge drinking and lots of sex. He's my favorite character, and I don't know if it's because his character is the most fleshed out or if it's because he is the best looking. Maybe it's a little of both.

Thad Castle is the captain of the football team and is the epitome of a nasty jock. He's crass, he's rude, he doesn't care about anyone but himself, but you can't help but love him.

Craig Shilo is the runningback for the team, and in the three episodes I've seen so far, doesn't really have a backstory or personality of his own that I can write about. Instead, he seems to be the supporting character to all of the storylines he's in: Alex's best friend, the captain's go-to man, but mostly... Denise's boyfriend.

Which brings us to my second favorite character... Denise. She is Craig's girlfriend and has big ambitions for herself and Craig. She just wants him to win games and tries to do everything it takes, even if that means withholding sex, or, in one instance, pimping him out to a tranny prostitute.

There's only been four episodes so far, but I, for one, am hooked. BMS is already set up on a season pass on my DVR and I can't wait to see what the team will be up to week after week.

If you're not convinced yet... there's an episode called "Pocket P-ssy" about Thad's sex toy that each member of the team steals and uses, leading to a syphillis epidemic. I mean, c'mon... TV gold.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

"In The Heights" Ft. Corbin Bleu

A little more than a year ago, I took my friend to see "In The Heights" on Broadway. Although we were seated in the last row, the show was fantastic. The Latin flare oozed through me, and it was hard to not dance in the aisles and shout, "NO PARE, SIGUE SIGUE!!" It's just a great story about everyday people living in Washington Heights on the 4th of July. No green girls, no red headed orphan girl, just people living and working.

It instantly became one of my Top 10 shows, and I know I would be seeing this show again. What I didn't know at the time is that everyone's favorite frizzy haired, singing basketball player, Corbin Bleu, would eventually join the cast.

But when I DID find this news out... ohhh boy. I was reading or or one of those sites and saw that Corbin Bleu was joining the cast as Usnavi (the lead) and knew I had to get tickets for his opening night. Not just for Corbin... sure, I love him, I wouldn't kick him out of bed, blah blah, but what if his friends came to support him opening night? The Tizz on the my right, Zefron on my left. My heart was pounding and I was already practicing choreography for when we star in "High School Musical 4" together as I ordered tickets.

The show was last night. And no, none of his friends came to see him. But I DID see the writer/original Usnavi, Lin Manuel Miranda, and a bunch of other people tied in with the show and other Broadway shows. Also there was Corbin Bleu's dad, who you may recognize as his dad in the Disney movie "Jump In," who gave Sexy Trash an EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW.

Okay... not so much exclusive interview as he knew the woman sitting next to me and I was eavesdropping as he talked to her.

After "The Beautiful Life," the CW show about models in New York, was cancelled while they were filming episode six, Corbin was going to move back to California. However, his dad suggested staying in New York and seeing what could come for him there. He auditioned for "In The Heights" and originally went in to play Benny, but he had so much charisma and he sounded great speaking Spanish that they cast him as Usnavi. He is currently signed on for 3 months, but if he likes it/audiences like him, there's an option to stay. And  cast members of "High School Musical" ARE coming to see him, they just don't know when yet.

...End of exclusive interview/eavesdropping session.

I can't imagine him leaving after 3 months, though. I think audiences will love him. Honestly. I went in the theater, expecting to be entertained, but that was it. I just wanted to be able to check off one of my six things to do on my "Meet the cast of High School Musical" bucket list. But I was AMAZED. And not just "High School Musical" amazed... like, legit. Corbin held his own and HARD. The raps flowed off his tongue, he had great chemistry with the cast, he has great stage presence. Definately the best Broadway stunt casting I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of stunt casting in my day.. He was just GREAT and you should really get tickets if you get a chance.

After the show, I looked at my watch 10:30. It was getting late, but I wanted to meet him. "It's okay if we go..." I said to my friend as we left. "Are you sure?" she asked. "Yeah," I said. "Okay, it's up to you," she said as we walked past the stage door. I looked at the door and listened to my heart. "Okay.... let's just stay for a little bit." And so we waited.

The rest of the cast was very nice, but speed it up, bitches. I'm here to meet Corbin. When he finally came out, he took time to not just sign autographs and take pictures, but to TALK TO every single person in line. Out of all of the "celebrities" I met...and I'm including Real World cast members, John Gosselin's mistress, and Lindsay Lohan's daddy in this... he was the MOST HUMBLE and NICEST I've ever met. I felt more like I was talking to someone after a high school musical (no pun intended) then a professional show on Broadway. I told him he was amazing and he got so quiet and said "...Thank you so much," and put his hands together. How cute. And then he asked if I've ever seen the show before, blah blah. Just talking like old friends. Me and Corbi, BFF.

And his skin was flawless.

No pare, sigue sigue.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Lied to you...

Okay, so I am NOT posting pictures of myself with Hailey Glassman. The main reason being I don't want to be stalked by some old man like a little girl with a lollipop on the playground. So no pictures of me and Hailey G.

However, I will still let you know about my Z-List adventure.

Ronnie and Sammi were supposed to arrive at 9.
They didn't come until a little after 12. Who are you? Nobody. Exactly. Carry on.

And then they had the balls (and extensions) to just sit in a booth with bouncers surrounding them.
Excuse me....Sweetheart, is it? I paid $10 to meet you.. come out of your booth.

Pat yo' weave, ladies...

Okay, so me standing 2 feet from their booth was the extent of my meeting "Jersey Shore" cast members.

HOWEVER...  Before all this... FLASHBACK ALERTTTTT...

About an hour after arriving at the bar, who should pass by me but Lindsay Lohan Daddy, himself... Michael Lohan.

Tell me the truth... Did you ever love meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?

First I picked my jaw up off the ground and then I photobombed the shit out of him. Please look on TMZ, US Weekly, every tabloid you can think of because if there was a photographer aiming a camera at Daddy Lohan, I was behind him puckering my lips and throwing up peace signs.

Eventually, I asked him for a picture and he agreed. He was very nice. The man has a bad rep... sure, his daughter is a hot ass mess and he may or may not steal her money or whatever... he still is a lovely man.

But the best experience of the night would have to be about two hours...and many drinks...into the night when John Gosslin's mistress/ex-gf Hailey Glassman passed me. I've watched an episode of "John and Kate Plus 8" and all I really know is he cheated on her, they're divorced. That's it. I'm not Team John. I'm not Team Kate. I'm Team Change the Channel.

However, you would think this bitch was the second coming of Anna Nicole the way I acted.

[Insert hug here]

Then she called me hot. Thank you very much.

Yes, I understand she once thought John Gosslin was hot, so that's her type... fat and sweaty. Blah blah. I see where you could think this way... But I think she clearly learned from her mistakes and has obviously gotten better taste.

And I think I am clearly on the train....the VERY slow train... to making it to the D-List.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Little Jersey Shore

I always like when kids act out inappropriate things. One time at a church talent show, I had my little sister (who was 9 at the time) and some of her friends act out the scene from "Mean Girls" where Cady meets the Plastics for the first time. Including the lines "I know what home schooled is, I'm not retarded" and "If you're from Africa, why are you white?" Not surprisingly, I wasn't asked to direct a church talent show ever again.

Sometimes I come across Youtube videos where little kids act out TV shows and movies that are inappropriate, and I love all things about them. I saw "Sex and the City" spoof a while ago, and loved it before I even clicked the play button.

Apparently a girl from "Heroes" is in that video? That's fine. Not why I'm watching, though. I'm upset my parents weren't smart enough to bank on my good looks as a child and make me act out adult themed movies. ...That sounds like I wish I was in child porn when I was younger, but it's not what I mean. Like, can't I act out "The Godfather" or some shit?

Anyway... My latest obsession is "Little Jersey Shore" where kids act out highlights from "Jersey Shore." Just like the MTV show, Snooki is my favorite in this video, as well. And also just like the real show, JWoww has heart, but looks rough. I mean, God bless her, but.. Yeah.

It's sad that the adults in this video can't act for shit, though. These 5-year-olds with bronzer on their faces are out-acting grown ass men. Sorry, fellas...

I want to marry the real Snooki and adopt baby Snooki. Perfect Guido/Guidette family. Okay, bitches - I'm off to get a spray tan

Friday, January 22, 2010

Hailey Glassman called me hot tonight.

....That is all.

Pictures to follow.

I'm basically a D-List stud.

Looks Like Someone's Getting Back Door'ed!

Fans of "Big Brother" (all 5 of you...) may recognize Steven Daigle from the 10th season. Fans of internet porn may soon recognize him another way. That's right, kids... Steven from Big Brother has just finished filming a video with

Steven told TMZ, "I didn't expect my life to take this path, but when I was presented with the opportunity, I dove in head first... literally."

Okay... this makes me mad. Not because he was the worst looking in the house and I'd rather see a Memphis/Dan/Brian/Keesha/Libra/Renny...hell, even old man Jerry porno, but because "Big Brother" then porn has always been MY life plan and now this redneck gay cowboy comes out of the woodwork and steals my thunder.

As Stephanie Judith Tanner would say... "How rude!"

But I mean, good for him, I suppose...

Let's ask "Big Brother" host Julie Chen her take on this situation.

Julie, what positions do you think Steven will take on in this video?

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Brandon Webman

Singing has never looked so good. ....I mean, sounded so good. In Part 2 of YOUTUBE IDOL, I'll be focusing on Brandon Webman, who uses his assets to woo viewers. And by assets, I mean his voice, you perverts. While BWebman does have the body of...let's say a greek god... or maybe even some sort of dessert tray you want to lick the crumbs off of, I would enjoy his videos even if I was blind.


Maybe not BLIND, but like... far-sighted, or something.

Check out his videos. His voice is relaxing and is the best when used on soft ballads. Often he covers songs originally sung by today's finest divas (Beyonce, Alicia, Mariah, etc...) and he makes it WORK.

My favorite videos, however, are when he sings with his cousin, Meryl. Meryl is everything I want to be in life, and I love their borderline inapproprate relationship. Singing Christmas carols topless while Meryl is texting in the background? GENIOUS. I love both of them and wish they had more videos together.

The Phantommmmmmmm of the Opera is here... Inside my mind.

Yesterday, I spent the day in... NEW YORKKKKKKKKKKKK, CONCRETE JUNGLE WHERE DREAMS ARE MADE OFFFFFFF. While there, my friends and I decided to get last minute tickets to a show, which is always my idea of a great time.

"Let's see 'West Side Story' or 'Phantom of the Opera,'" my friend suggested.

"...Okay," I answered. "Or we can see 'Bye Bye Birdie' with Uncle Jessie from 'Full House'"

We stood and discussed other show choices, but all of the plays started at 2 and it time was flying by. It was a race against the clock, and standing in the cold thinking of the current running musicals weren't getting us tickets... or warming us up.

Lion King. Bye Bye Birdie. Shrek. Bye Bye Birdie. Mary Poppins. Bye Bye Birdie.

Finally, we decided (not due to pressure from me, of course...) to see Bye Bye Birdie. We got to the theater 5 minutes before it was scheduled to begin, and although tickets were available, they weren't very close seats and they were very expensive. Baby Boy wasn't willing to pay that for this show. Bye Bye, Birdie. Not today.

Again, "Phantom of the Opera" was brought up. I've never seen this show, and although it's a classic and one of the longest running shows on Broadway, due to certain situations (my sister... cough cough), it's never been on the top of my "Must See" list.

A back story on my sister:

God bless her, but she listens to opera/Patti Lupone (gag) and any other high pitched old woman singer you can think of on FULL VOLUME on REPEAT. One can only be serenaded by Angela Lansbury so many times before going crazy and over anything that sounds like classical music. Give me rap. Give me Ke$ha. Give me the farthest thing from classically trained singers.

Now back to "Phantom"...:

Because of certain sibling's obsessions, this show wasn't on the top of my list. I mean... it's a musical, and it's live theater, so I'd enjoy it no matter what, but still... So I spent the first 10 minutes or so watching and saying "What in heaven's name did I get myself into?" Some woman was singing an opera song. I couldn't really understand. And all I could hear was my sister in her cat pajamas belting the same song. This certainly was no Bye Bye Birdie.

But then... mirrors opened, bitches climbed inside the hole where the mirror was and suddenly the stage was transformed into an underground lair. Fog filled the stage, boats floated around. I was hooked. And the Broadway magic didn't end with boats and fog. Chandeliers fell from the ceiling, people disappeared, and my favorite... a man JUMPED OFF A BRIDGE AND FELL INTO THE STAGE LIKE IT WAS WATER.

...I may not have taken vocal lessons, but I've been known to perform a karaoke track or two, and I will do what it takes to get this part in this show. My new life goal is to jump off a bridge and fall into a stage hole.

And when you're not forced to listen to it on repeat, the music is very good. It's creepy, it's beautiful, it's everything the performance was.

I'm glad that the other show didn't work out because I don't think I would have seen this show if it weren't for that, but I am glad I did. If you get a chance to see "Phantom of the Opera," please do. It's a classic. ...Like "The Golden Girls." If there was ever a Golden Girls musical...

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my paradeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Did you guys see that explosion?

Sorry, it was me. I just exploded and I'm pretty sure glitter and music notes came out.

I've been known to explode once or twice (usually after a nice burrito), but never a glitter and music note explosion... However, tweets full of promises were sent my way today...and after checking my pulse to see if I was still alive from the news, it was mandatory to share this news.

It's obviously GLEE news. What else gets me riled up these days?

Everyone's second favorite big headed show choir bitch, Lea Michele, tweeted some very exciting things today... (And I said second favorite because I'M your #1 favorite big headed show choir bitch, obviously).

"Hey everyone! A big announcement coming at the end of the month about our next Glee tour! Lots of singing and dancing to come!!!! "

But her tweets didn't come alone. Kevin McHale, who plays wheelchair-bound Artie, wrote:

 "News about the glee summer tour coming soon! We're coming to see all you gleeks live! Wooo! So excited!"

Now, I met the cast already this summer, but it was just a Question and Answer session. This time it sounds like we're being promised a legit concert. Bring your brooms, kids, because you'll be cleaning up my glitter. (And buritos if I go to dinner first...)

Partying with the Hollywood Elite

Let's take a break from our normal routine of reviews and Sexual Survivor and instead discuss how I will hobknobbing with Hollywood A-Listers on Friday evening.

Okay... hobknobbing is not the right word. Drinking and dancing is probably the better word for it.

And Hollywood A-Listers isn't really the right word, either. Well, who am I hanging out with if it's not Brad and Angie?? Funny you should ask...

Sammi "Sweet Heart" and Ronnie from the Jersey Shore.

Bi Mike from Real World: DC.

Something named Derek/Derrick/Derick McIntosh who celebrity boxed and had a guest spot on "One Tree Hill" and "Entourage"

Yes, folks, you read that correctly. Daddy Lohan. I am melting.

The night didn't even begin and it is already the trashiest night of my life. I will need seven showers after this night, but I don't care...

And I do apologize for writing about myself, but I really couldn't control myself. Tomorrow we'll be back to reviews, Sexual Survivor, random Youtube stars, and the like... But today... i just needed a "Me Day." Well, a "Me and Daddy Lohan" Day.  ....And JUST YOU WAIT FOR FRIDAY. THERE WILL BE PHOTOS.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Preview In Review #3

Okay, I admit it. I saw "The Lovely Bones" twice. So far. I know I should be saving money and I know it put me in a weird mood for 24 hours, but whatev... still saw it again. So I'm in a bad mood again and I'm more poor than before.

The upside?

Double the previews to review!

7. Greenberg

Ben Stiller in a serious role? I'm not used to it. And for good reason. This movie looks boring as sin. He's angry with getting older. Fine. I get it. I've seen it all before. But adding Ben Stiller to the mix doesn't make me want to see it again. Ben, go back to the museum for a night.

6. Edge of Darkness

I change my mind about this movie depending on which trailer I see. I see the short ones on TV and say "Absolutely not," but then I saw the extended trailer at the theater and said " doesn't look THAT bad." But the truth is it doesn't look that good either. And you know it's going to be a movie where all the good parts are in the trailer. ...and the trailer doesn't have many good parts. Sorry Mel. Not today.

5. The Runaways

It's really a shame. This movie looks good and would be much higher on my "To See" list if it wasn't for one thing. Kristen Stewart. This creature has ruined my life. I love Twilight, love New Moon, love Adventureland. But I can't stand her face and I can't stand her "acting." Playing with your hair and talking monotone is not acting. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's some form of a mental disability. KStew, KEw. You ruin me. But get itttt, Dakota.

4. Shutter Island

This movie looks great. Leo has a bit of chub face going on, but I don't mind because the movie looks legit good. Why is it so far down on my list? Because it also looks legit scary and I know I'll pee myself watching it. As I said before, I need to save money and can't waste money at Gap buying a new pair of jeans just because a movie makes me piss myself.

3. Out of My League

Two of the guys in this movie were in "Cloverfield." It's great, already. One of the girls was on "Veronica Mars." Still great. The skinny guy from "Knocked Up" is the lead and gets excited a little too soon. This is all life needs, really. Plus I went on the official website to get my rating. And it said I'm a "10." ....As if we all didn't know that already.

2. Our Family Wedding

"Guess Who" minus Ashton Kutcher with Latino people instead of white people. Comedy gold. And Regina King makes every part of me smile. Especially when her sass is used for laughs.

1. Dear John

I'm currently reading the book, and although I've spent what seems like 100 pages reading about John's dad's coin collection, I'm excited for the love story that Nicholas Sparks has to share. His movies always make me cry, and with a post-9/11 war story, I'm sure it will bring the tears. And... Amanda Seyfried is the stuff my dreams are made of. Plus, I like letter-reading montages.


Yesterday I was fortunate enough to see the touring company of "Wicked." It was FANTASTIC, and before you continue reading... see when it is coming to your area and get tickets NOW.

Tickets purchased? Great. I'll continue. Did you buy me one? I hope so because I want to see it again.

Before I even talk about the talents of the touring cast, let's discuss the story and the music. I've seen this show a couple years ago, but I forgot how much I loved it since then. The music just does something to me, and whether I am meant to laugh or meant to cry (YES, it's a tear jerker!!), I feel EVERY emotion ever invented when watching the show.

Although neither "Wicked" or "The Wizard of Oz" are true stories by any means, I still felt sick to my stomach at different parts of the show for ever considering Elphaba "The Wicked Witch of the West." Watching this musical is like putting the story of "The Wizard of Oz" in a snowglobe, shaking the shit out of it, and looking again. Everything you thought you knew about this story is a LIE. Your childhood is a LIE.
F Dorothy. F the wizard. "Wicked" has you rooting for "the wicked witch" and I loved doing it.

The show starts as Glinda, the good witch of the North, is announcing the death of the wicked witch. Everything's fine. No need to worry, Oz. Ding dong the witch is dead. Dorothy killed her. Carry on. Get itttt, Dorothy. Have fun going back to Kansas.

"But Glinda, weren't you and the witch friends?"


Weaves go flying. Hoop earrings come out. What was just asked? Good witch and bad witch BFF? Are you bitches crazy??

"Not friends, but our paths did meet in school," she says. Then the plot flashes back to school where the two are...wait for it...ROOMMATES.

I told you. SNOWGLOBE OZ. Love triangles. Talking animals. Political antics. Shit gets real. And I love every minute of it.

Besides the story, the cast of the touring production is fantastic, specifically Glinda, who really milks the funny parts of her character, but also shines during the dramatic parts.

I said it before, I'll say it again. This is a great show. This is a great cast. See this "Popular" show while it's in your area or you're totally missing out.

The Golden Globes

First of all, Felicity Huffman's introduction of the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association (HFPA) was the best part of the whole show. Watching her stutter through the script and making fun of herself reminded me why I still watch "Desperate Housewives" even when it's far from from its best.

Okay... now that that is out of the way... The 67th Annual Golden Globes were last night, and while I don't normally enjoy awards shows, I'm a blogger now, so I had to watch. Plus, Taylor Lautner was presenting and Glee was nominated for 4 awards, so obviously...

Watching Glee's actors be announced over and over with NO AWARD was beginning to get on my nerves, and I was tempted to turn it off and just do a Sexual Survivor: Golden Globe edition instead of writing about the show when what to my wandering eye should award for GLEE! And for best show, nonetheless. It made my anger for all things not Glee okay.

However...even though I didn't appreciate Jane Lynch's lack of an award for best supporting actress, I did enjoy the presenters. Two beautiful people that aren't my screens nearly enough...

Although I own seasons 1 through 3 of Dexter on DVD, I haven't watched them yet, but I am still excited that John Lithgow and Michael C. Hall won and was HEARTBROKEN watching everyone cry during Hall's acceptance speech for best actor. He really does deserve it, and with his current situation, I'm glad it came for him now.

Angry time again. I haven't seen Avatar yet. Yes, I want to, but I was mad at all the Avatar wins when my girl Precious was left empty handed. Mo'nique won an award for her role, and I was happy about that. But just because my girl Precious wasn't a fat BLUE girl, she doesn't go home with an award for best picture? ...Fine. I didn't see the Blind Side, either. And, yes, I do want to... but still. Gabourey or Go home.

And did people NOT read my review of Crazy Heart's trailer? Guess not. Not the HFPA, anyway... because it certainly went home with quite a few awards even though it looks god awful.

What I WAS happy about, however, were all the Grey Gardens wins. Okay, fine... there were two, but they were well deserved. I love that movie and if I'm not Snooki for Halloween next year, I want to be Little Edie.

Meryl Streep's acceptance speech was heartbreaking, as well.. I couldn't watch without tears pouring out of my eyes. This woman can do no wrong, and I would love to have a meal with her. She could order whatever she wanted, talk about what everever she wanted.. I would just stare at her the whole time.

In conclusion... want to see Avatar. Precious deserves more awards. Glee deserves more awards. Felicity Huffman and Meryl Streep are what the world is made of.

PS - TayTayLaut looked phenom in his tux. But I'd much rather see him out of it.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

The Lovely Bones

On the way home from this movie, I just stared out the car window and said outloud to mysel f, "I don't even know how I'll  blog about that movie..." 24 hours after seeing this movie and I am still in a weird mood and still don't know how to express myself in words.

About a half hour into the movie, I had to put the popcorn down and I didn't pick it up for the rest of the movie. Watching it and just thinking about the things happening made me sick to my stomach. Only one other movie has ever made me stop munching on popcorn mid-bite. (Slumdog Millionaire. Children, spoons... I can't.)

"The Lovely Bones" is my favorite book of all time, and I have been waiting for it to become a movie ever since I read it five years ago. Although it's been a while and I don't remember a lot of details, I remember enough to say that the movie is significantly different and fans of the book will still get surprises from the movie (not happy ones, but surprises). Fans of the movie will also get surprises from the book... again, not happy ones, but surprises.

I can usually seperate movies from reality (although I choose not to and pretend I'm in them...) but 24 hours later and I still can't think of Stanley Tucci as anything other than a monster. In a performance that should be awarded, he has left me disgusted and when choosing a picture for this post, I zoomed past anything with his face because my stomach is literally in knots even thinking about him.

PS - The movie takes place in my STATE... No, my freaking COUNTY. So even though it takes place in the 70s or whenever... I'm still shaking. It's f-ing sick.

I loved the movie, by the way. But don't expect to leave the theater with a smile on your face. It's not uplifting, there's no cute message. You just leave upset and 24 hours later, you blog about it upset. (And no, not even listening to the "Wicked" soundtrack or watching reruns of "Jersey Shore" helps... you're still disturbed and upset.)

Will I see this movie again? Absolutely. I'm planning on it this week. Will I go into another day-long depression? Absolutely.

I apologize that this post wasn't as funny or as informative as my other reviews... but I really can't even function.

Susan Sarandon was great. The main girl was great, but sometimes her narration was a bit forced. Stanley Tucci was great (ugh). Mark Wahlberg always makes me think of SNL and talking to animals, but he was good. The whole movie was good. Grade A. Whatever. I'm upset.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Come on, be my baby tonight...

While "The Real World: DC" is currently airing, MTV is hard at work casting and getting ready to film the newest season, which will be BACK TO NEW ORLEANS. Can we pause for one second please? Tied with Hawaii, "The Real World: New Orleans" is my favorite season of all time.

Melissa. Mormon Julie. Hot Jamie. Danny's blurry faced army boyfriend. Hot-headed David. Those two blonde people who I wouldn't know if they came and bit me on the ass...

TV's never been better.

Besides the cast, we were also left with inspirational songs:

The show hasn't even been cast yet, but unless the reality TV gods are watching over me and this same group of strangers is reunited for this season, it is bound to be a train wreck. A wreck that will never compare to blurry faced boyfriends.

The house, however, is beautiful...

....and I am tempted to audition just so I can get naked in the beautiful pool.

Now, most likely, I will watch it and love it. But will it ever compare to my best friends from the original New Orleans season? Of course not, but one can pretend.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

[Insert your voice HERE]

Ever wanted to be on TV? Well, now you can!

...if you're talented.

This February, GLEE is having an open internet audition. If you're between the ages of 16 and 26, you can record yourself singing and send it to them. They are casting 3 roles this way.

...But don't even bother, bitches. Because I'm getting the part.

I'm going to play Puck's lover. I can feel it in my bones.

Monday, January 11, 2010

"Girls Vs. Suits"

In "How I Met Your Mother"'s 100th episode, we are given 2 things that I love: guest stars and a music number. It's not a musical episode, there's just a fun ode to the suit at the end of the episode. Although I do love a good musical episode, I was nervy to the core for a HIMYM musical number.. It just didn't seem like it would work.

I'm not sure that it did... but I loved it, anyway. In the episode, Barney is forced to choose between a hot bartender (who I thought was Heidi Klum, but wasn't) who hates men in suits and his suits. He gives up suits for the episode as he tries to impress her, but ends with the musical number, "Nothing Suits Me Like A Suit." In it, Barney sings that when push comes to shove, he will gladly choose a suit above anything else. A pot of gold - nope. World peace - nope. He just wants a suit.

I've seen Neil Patrick Harris sing before. I've seen Neil Patrick Harris shirtless before. I've seen Neil Patrick Harris be funny before. I don't know what changed tonight. Maybe I'm finally growing up from the little girl I once was and becoming the man I am destined to be... but NPH WORKED IT tonight and made my teeth sweat.

Besides Barney, there's a lot of new developments on the "Who is the mother?" homefront. Don't worry...if you haven't watched yet, I won't ruin anything. But it involves Rachel Bilson. I enjoyed seeing her on my screen again. It's been a long time since the OC was on...and even longer since the OC was good, so RBils's return to TV was a fun one.

Also in this episode was Tim Gunn, who tries to help Barney fix his favorite suit after it is ripped. Unfortunately, Tim can't "make it work."

What DID work, however, was the 100th episode, and I can't wait to find out more about Ted's soulmate. (Hopefully it involves more Rachel Bilson).

Friday, January 8, 2010

The Princess and the Frog

Am I embarrassed to admit that out of all the movies I've seen in the past two weeks, that Disney's "The Princess and the Frog" is my favorite? Yes. Am I letting the embarrasment stop me from sharing my love of the film to all I see? ABSOLUTELY NOT. If I let embarrasment stop me from doing things, I wouldn't have seen "High School Musical 3" 9 times in theaters and there wouldn't be pictures of me dressed as Bindi Irwin floating around the internet.

Disney's animated movies haven't been the same since Pixar came along. Sure, I love Nemo and the stories of toys just as much as anyone, but sometimes I just need a distraught princess singing her problems away. And that's what "Princess and the Frog" brings us back to. Plus, it has Oprah.

"The Princess and the Frog" takes us to New Orleans, where we are introduced to a waitress, Tiana, who dreams of owning her own restaurant someday. After saving for it her whole life, she finally raises enough to buy a location.

Then Prince Naveen, who has been turned into a frog due to some voodoo magic, hops in and asks her for a kiss so he can be turned back into a human. But when she kisses him, something goes wrong and Tiana is turned into a frog.

...Ohhhhh shit.

The story follows the two frogs as they make some bayou friends and try to become human again. And guess what? ...They fall in love.  Disney, you've done it to me again!!!

Besides a fun plot and great music, Prince Naveen is arguably one of the hottest Disney princes to ever appear on movie screens. And I am booking a trip to Disney World as we speak so I can get my picture with his royal hotness.

Leap Year

Yesterday I went to see an advanced free screening of "Leap Year." This movie is everything I expected it to be: no shocking twists, a predictable ending, and all of the funny parts were shown in the preview. Even so...I still liked it.

It won't be a movie I'm rushing to buy the day it comes out on DVD, mind you, but when it graces a $5 bin, Amy Adams can expect my money.

To start, the movie had some strikes against it from the beginning. As a rule, I don't normally like movies with foreigners. (Love Actually is an exception). I don't know why, but accents in movies just bother me.

HOWEVER, this charming young lad that is Matthew Goode really won me over. He wasn't the best looking man to appear on screens in the past few months (haiiiiii T.Lautner), but cute enough to keep me entertained. And when standing next to the trainwreck that was Amy Adams' boyfriend...he looks like the definition of beautiful.

Amy Adams is one of my top five actresses, so I was really looking forward to this movie, and although I was entertained, it wasn't my favorite role of hers. I feel like her talent should have been used on a better script, and this movie could have been handed to someone Isla Fischer.

Although the plot was predictable and the jokes were already shown in advertisements, what wasn't shown was the scenery. I don't know if I will see this movie again, but I WILL book a trip to Ireland as soon as possible. In many scenes, I was left speechless. (And yes, it's because my mouth was full of popcorn so I literally could not speak), but also because I was taken back by the beauty of Ireland.

The woman sitting next to me obviously enjoyed it more than me, which was made obvious by her "OHHHHH SHITTTTT"s after every "plot twist," but I liked it just fine.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


As I type this, I am looking at a shelf full of musicals on DVD. Across the Universe. Chicago. Dreamgirls. Grease. Hairspray. High School Musical. Moulin Rouge. Sweeney Todd. Rent. Reefer Madness. And the list really does go on. So, what can we take away from this? I like musicals of all kinds. Put a song in it, you have my heart.

........With that said, "Nine" DOES NOT have my heart. It does not have any part of me. Trailers did a great job of drawing me in. Flashes of skin and dancing as Fergie's voice echoes "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ITALIANNNNNNNNNN" through the theater. The actual product, however... not so hot.

Sure, the movie has it's ups: Fergie's performance.

But it also has it's downs: Everything else.

No, in all honesty..I liked Penelope Cruz in the film, but most of the songs were people talk-singing over music as opposed to people actually singing. Nicole Kidman also did a good job with her song, but overall, I was just bored and very underwhelmed.

And whoever cast Kate Hudson in anything besides a romantic comedy with Matthew McConaughey is a moron. Has this woman ever said she could sing? No. And for good reason... she can't.

wtf is this?

If this is what it means to "Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Italian"... I'll just stick to beinggggggggggg American, thank you very much.

Preview in Review #2

As we know by now, my favorite part of going to the movies is the previews, so imagine by concern when I arrived at 6:30 yesterday to attend a 6:30 movie. I was jittery, I was nervous, and I wasn't willing to settle into an hour and fifty minutes of "Nine" without any trailers before hand.

Luckily, the movie gods were looking out for me, and when I arrived in theaters, previews were just beginning. [Thanks, movie gods!] What I was left with were some great previews, some okay but just not for me, and some that left me saying "WTF?" which, if you read my review of "Nine," is basically the same reactions I had during the film.

My choices based on these previews, listed from worst to best, are:

5. Crazy Heart

I have NO INTENTION of seeing this movie. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've never wanted to see anything less. As soon as this trailer was finished playing, I said aloud, "Absolutely not." I'm sure it will win awards.. it looks boring. And it is a shame because Maggie Gyllenhaal will one day be my sister-in-law, so I really should support her. I have nothing against her as an actress or as a woman... I just wish she wouldn't pick so many movies that I hate. Sorry Jeff Bridges, you're not getting my money today. ...Or ever.

4. Youth in Revolt

Another movie I will never see. I kept hearing about this movie and seeing the book on shelves at Barnes and Noble, and although I wasn't tempted to learn more or pick up the book, I didn't want to disqualify it just yet. Well, now I am ready. Sometimes I enjoy Michael Cera, sometimes he gets on my nerves. But no one should ever have to see Michael Cera with a mustache and what the f ever else he is wearing as the "bad boy" version of himself. With different actors and costumes, maybe. But with Michael Cera in a mustache? ...Revolting.

3. Why Did I Get Married Too?

A Tyler Perry movie is number 3 on my list. Let me repeat this... A TYLER PERRY MOVIE IS NUMBER 3 ON MY LIST. (I said that in an Oprah voice, PS. I figured it worked.) No, I will not see this. But if I forced to die or see one of the already named movies...and couldn't choose death... I would pick this one. I've never seen the first one, and never will. The closest I've ever come to a Tyler Perry movie was in college when my roommate's friend used to act like Madea...and you know what? That was more than enough for me.

2. The Last Song

Is Miley Cyrus the best actress? No. Is Nicholas Sparks the best writer? No. Do I enjoy "Hannah Montana" and "The Notebook"? Yes on both accounts. Do I want to see Miley in an onscreen romance with the boy who made her delete her Twitter in real life? Actually, no, he ruined my life. But with two of my guiltiest pleasures combined (Sparks and Cyrus), it's sure to be a movie I will see more than once. And since it's a Nicholas Sparks movie, it's inevitable that someone is going to die. The dad? The boyfriend? Hannah, herself?? As much as I love Miles, i will pay all the money in the world to see baby's first death scene.

1. Sex and the City 2

With a trailer giving on to almost the same amount of nothing as previews for the original, I'm excited for plot twists and secret story lines this one will hold. I'm sure this movie will be terrible, but there's something about that theme song played by a big band that gives me chills every time. Watching these girls together again is like getting back with old friends for one last hoorah. While the picture of them walking in the desert does make me nervous plot-wise, I really couldn't care less. I could watch these four women go to the bathroom together for 2 hours as long as they played great music and did it in designer clothes.

Sunday, January 3, 2010


The most recent episode of "Desperate Housewives" was the first episode to air after the much-hyped plane crash episode. In it, the women imagine what life would have been like if they would have made different choices. [AKA I tuned in knowing right off the bat that only about 15% of this episode would be anything worth remembering while the rest was just a gimmic and filler.] ...I was only partially correct.

Susan imagines how her life would have differed if she stayed with Karl after finding out about his affair, living in a loveless marriage and lusting after her new neighbor, Mike the plumber. In the end, Karl leaves her anyway, but it is too late... the "What if" version of Mike is already happily married. Susie Q lost her chance. When she snaps out of her daydream, she is informed that Karl has passed away. Cut to commercial.
She's fat in this "what if" scenario, btw.
After a commercial break, Mary Alice narrates that Bree learned of Karl's death and she is now dreaming of a life where she had left Orson and married Karl, instead. In it, Karl cheats on her eventually, Orson dies, she goes to his home and sees many pictures of her. Orson had never stopped loving her. Bree wakes up and learns that Orson is alive, but paralyzed. Cue commercial break.
...And we're back. The neighbors with a mystery day dream that they are caught. Life in prison. Blah blah. Snap out of it, find out the woman who knew their secret died in the plane crash. Safe. Commercial.
After the commercial break, we are graced/cursed with another fake flash forward...this time, it's Gabrielle's. After discussing that their daughter (who isn't Juanita) was spared from the crash so that she can do great things, Gabrielle daydreams that she forces her daughter to become an actress, and in doing so, forces everyone important to her away. While I do like Gabrielle as an old "Big Edie"-esque character, I'm just over these "what if" scenarios that are leading to no real plot progression. Commercial time.
We come back and are taken to our LAST "what if" scenario. Thank God. ...Or so I thought. Lynette finds out that due to the crash, something is wrong with the babies and one of them may be born with complications. Lynette imagines her son's life...

I wish I could find Lynette's whole dream because it really makes the entire episode worth it. If anyone questions Felicity Huffman being the best actress on this show, you can meet me outside. For the last 15 minutes, I was left speechless and in tears. Although I will always remember Lynette's season 1 addiction to pills, her "What If" dream has become one of my Top 5 "Desperate Housewives" dramatic moments.
Was this episode necessary? Besides 10% of it... probably not. But what if this episode didn't exist? Because of Felicity Huffman's scenes, I'm glad we'll never have to know.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Preview In Review #1

Previews are my favorite part of a movie experience. If I can't make it in time for the previews, I want to wait for the later showing. If there is no later showing, I don't want to go at all. Easy as that. People that don't like previews get on my nerves. How do you know which movies you want to see if you don't want to watch the preview? Get over it, go to the movies on time, watch the 20 minutes of trailers and shut up. The previews are NOT the time to take pictures of yourself (with the flash ON). Sorry... still angry about tonight's previews.


The previews before "It's Complicated" were as follows - Robin Hood, Valentine's Day, Date Night, The Bounty Hunter, Babies, and Leap Year. While watching them, I thought to myself "Why not put them in order of how I'd like to see them and post it on Sexy Trash?" And that, my friends, is EXACTLY what I'm doing.

#6. Robin Hood

I do not want to see this one bit. Saying that anything is by the same director of "Gladiator" does nothing for me. Showing me that anything that played "Gladiator" is in it does nothing for me. Disney did it better with a fox.

#5. Babies

I would rather watch a documentary about babies than watch "Robin Hood." Please be aware of that. Those two babies in the beginning of the trailer are everything that is right with the world. I don't care that one bites the other and then gets smacked upside the head...I want to kidnap them both. (I'm sure that's not the point of this movie, but I don't really care.)

#4. Leap Year

I love Amy Adams. I loved her in Doubt. I loved her in Enchanted. Hell, I even loved her in Cruel Intentions 2. Amy Adams + Romantic Comedy = Movie gold. I'm attending an advanced screening later this week, so I will share my feelings then. But as of now, I'm excited for it. It looks predictable, I will probably cry, but again...I don't care.

#3. The Bounty Hunter

All I knew about this movie before seeing the trailer was that Jennifer Aniston was in it and that she gets put in the trunk of a car. From that, I was expecting Derailed 2, but what I got is a fun Battle of the Exes that promises to be a fun time. JAniston will always be Rachel Greene to me, but I'm excited to see Rachel get her ass handed to her by Gerard Butler.

#2. Date Night

I have been waiting for this movie since casting was completed. Tina Fey is one of today's most talented comediennes and although I don't particularly enjoy "The Office," Steve Carrell deserves credit where credit is due. Any trailer that starts with Tina Fey drooling as she takes out her retainer is an automatic A+ in my book. Plus Leighton Meester plays the babysitter, so...

#1. Valentine's Day

This is bound to bring nothing new to the Love's Actually Just Not That Into You franchise, but again... I.DO.NOT.CARE. This is another movie that I have been looking forward to ever since I found out that McSteamy and Bradly "The Hangover" Cooper are playing a couple. Yes, gays around the world are angry that it isn't advertised as such, but I know the truth and that is all that matters. And it doesn't hurt that Taylor Lautner has a cameo.

It's Complicated

I'm going to be honest with everyone for one second before we begin... My feelings for this movie prior to seeing it were, well.. complicated. It is no secret that there is a very easy recipe for making a movie that I will enjoy:

-Bright colors
-Bitchy girls (preferably blonde, but not mandatory)
-The cast's ages combined cannot be greater than 50.

It is not difficult to please me. I stick to my recipe and I leave the theater with a smile on my face and sometimes a tear in my eye. When I decide it is time for my tastes to mature, I am left in a theater for what seemed like five hours watching "North Country." Yes, I saw that movie five years ago, but my agony lives on. In the end, I decide maturity is not the answer, and that "Yes, it is necessary for me to see High School Musical 3 in theaters nine times."

With that said, "It's Complicated" follows NOTHING about this recipe, and it was not at the top of my Must See List this holiday season. While I DO love a good comedic performance from Ms. Meryl, the actor really drawing me to the theater was Hunter Parrish (of "Weeds" fame, and more importantly... the resident bad boy in "17 Again"). I knew early on that he would most likely have a total of five minutes on screen, but I didn't care. After watching the movie, I can assure you that, yes, that is true. But still, I do not care.

The movie really surprised me. I thought I would sit through it checking my phone for the time and for texts I could send to Texts From Last Night, only to be rejected again. Although Meryl Streep occasionally warms my cold heart, there were just a few things about the movie that made me the opposite of excited right from the beginning. For some unknown reason,Steve Martin bugs me and an early review I read labeled the movie as "middle aged porn." Now... I have been known to dabble in middle aged porn once or twice (viewing, not starring in), and I can assure you this was NOT it. Sure, Meryl may have her piche squeezed by a Baldwin brother, but no raunchy sex graced the screen. Not even once. There were a few innuendos to keep me going (mostly delivered by Alec Baldwin in what seemed to be an extension of his "30 Rock" character...but I do love Jack Donaghy, so it was welcomed), but no - this was not a middle aged porn.

Instead, Steve Martin aside, it was a wonderful comedy with heart, but not in a lame Lifetime "12 Men of Christmas" sort of way. (I did love that movie, though..) Meryl Streep plays Jane, a woman whose husband (Baldwin) cheated on her, which ended in divorce. Now, 10 years later, all 3 of their children have grown and moved out, leaving Jane home alone and lonely. How does she handle her insecurities? By getting drunk and falling into bed with her married ex-husband, of course! The affair continues until Jane falls for Adam, an architect who is helping her design her dream home. What will she choose for herself? The ex? The architect? Or a life alone? Yes, reading this, it DOES sound like it could air on Lifetime right after "12 Men of Christmas," but I promise it's better on screen than it is on paper.

In more than one scene, the audience's laughter was so loud that I missed a few of the following lines. And it wasn't just the grandmas sitting behind me. No, I was one of the ones laughing so hard that I couldn't hear what was going on.

And fine... Steve Martin wasn't bad in it. In fact, at some parts of the film, I found myself sort of rooting for him. Or I thought I was. I really didn't know. I kept changing my mind throughout the movie, almost as much as Meryl did, and with an unpredictable ending, I was left guessing and changing my mind with her until the very end.

If all movies with a cast over 21 were this good, I wouldn't have to see High School Musical 3 nine times, but since they are not (Charlize Theron, I'm talking to you...North Country), I'll sit back, grab my popcorn and get ready to see those talented Chipettes perform "Single Ladies."

Friday, January 1, 2010

Top 5 Reasons I Want to Be Snooki

By now, if you're living anywhere that isn't under a rock, you've heard of the fist pumping, jel wearing, fake tanning phenomenon that is MTV's "Jersey Shore." You've also heard of the self appointed "f-ing princess from f-ing Poughkeepsie," Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi. She's loud, she's looking for love with a guido or a juice head, and she does backflips in thongs. In short, she is everything I want to be.


Many things contribute to my love of all things Snooki, but below are the top 5 reasons I want to be Snooki.


"Don't you guys have a food that you have to eat every day?" Snooki's love for pickles tickles mine. Pickle, that is. And of course, she has a special way of eating it: sucking the juice out first. It's the only way to do it. You know what they say - "A pickle a day..." Yeah, they don't really say anything, but Snooki loves her pickles, and I love her for it.

Poofs, hairclips, and trucker hats...Oh, my! She invented the poof and she is bringing hats with humorous phrases on them back faster than Justin brought sexy back.


Some may call her blurred-out backflips classless. I call it owning the dance floor. Whether she's pounding the floor and beating the beat or if she's doing cartwheels across the dance floor, Princess Snooki is making her presence known. After "Jersey Shore," I say she should be on "Dancing With the Stars." I'd love to see her and Maksim do pantie-less backflips. As this video shows, she is flexible and I would love to see this little firecracker put her legs behind her head like a pretzel during a nice Foxtrot.

What is her name, exactly? No one on the show seems to know, but it makes it all that much better. Snooki, Snooks, Snickers, Snookers. Who knows, really? When the cast finally decides on a nickname and stays with it, I will, too. But until then... I love my little Snookiooksnickersnookerson.
And in first place... the number one reason I love Snooki and want to be her in my next life...

We've haven't seen her lip syncing talents on MTV yet, but her Youtube channel does more than enough to showcase our little guidette's star power. Whether it's a classic showtune or a message to all the haters out there, Snooki knows how to perform.

Snickers, if you're reading, I plan on being you for Halloween. Let's be best friends so you can teach me how to do a poof and we can make Youtube videos together.