Monday, December 6, 2010

Mean Girls 2: Midas's Revenge

Everyone knows the story of King Midas - a greedy bastard who wishes that everything he wishes will turn to gold. He touches food, it turns to gold. Big boy is going to get hungry. He tries to pleasure himself, he turns in to Goldmember. He wants to hug his daughter, he's left daughter-less but has a great golden statue of her, instead. We get it - be careful what you wish for and don't be a greedy bastard. Nice morals.

But what fable is there to teach people the opposite? Turning gold into shit? There hasn't been one.

Until now.


Mean Girls 2 (which, not surprisingly, will air on ABC Family and be direct-to-DVD), is destined to fail. There are some things that should just NOT be touched. I used to think "Bring It On" was one of these things, but after 4+ direct-to-DVD sequels and a soon-to-be Broadway adaption, I'm giving up on that theory. But "Mean Girls"... No one would ever be stupid enough to touch my "Mean Girls," would they? Sure, bring it to Broadway... I'll be its number one fan (if I'm not playing Regina, obviously; which, clearly, could be a reality...)


But a "SEQUEL," which in reality just seems to be a Z-list less-funny remake, with none of the original stars!? Oh... pardon me - Tim Meadows is back as the principal. Tim Meadows, who CLEARLY has no respect for his previous projects. If he did, he wouldn't sell out for a paycheck, but instead know to say no to protect art. Even Lindsay, who has many, many problems was smart enough to turn this movie down. Mr. Meadows, the last time an original member of a hit decided to return for a spin-off by himself, it was called "Saved By The Bell: The New Class," and we saw how that did. And the time before that? Frenchy in "Grease 2," and again... we've witnessed this.

If it couldn't be told from what was previously stated, I hate everything about this movie.
I hate the poster... which is identical to the original, except with girls not as pretty.
I hate the tag line - "The Plastics are Back!" ....No, bitch - they aren't. Home-schooled jungle freaks who are a less hot version of the Plastics are back.
I hate the trailer - see below. If you WANT your eyes to fall out.
I hate the "stars" - Meghan Martin, first you come after "10 Things I Hate About You" (which, fine... I liked, but didn't need to be done), and now THIS!? Stay away. 
I hate the plot - ANTI PLASTICS?! What is going on in the world?!
I JUST HATE IT, OKAY!? I want my pink shirt back.


Yes, I'll probably watch it. But I'll cry the whole time. Cry that the world has come to this. Cry for the world that might have been. And pray, with tears in my eyes, that one day Tina Fey will come back with avengence for the movie that has brought such joy to my life... by bringing "Mean Girls" to Broadway. And she'll turn to me to play Regina. Hell, Tina, if you're reading... I'd even settle for Damien.

What I WON'T settle for is "Mean Girls 2."

Top 25 Christmas Movies

As I was coming up with the list of the "Top 25 Christmas Movies," it was obvious to me that I should have my own network. In a list of 25 movies, I may be stretching it for a few of them... (See #19 and 24), but they are movies that really do remind me of Christmas... unlike Harry Potter (cough cough ABC Family...). For the most part, these movies are films that are great at putting you in the Christmas mood - if they were just the best movies, regardless of mood, I'd clearly have "Black Christmas" on the list. ...I'm not joking.

25. Bad Santa
While it may not have the best "Christmas feel," this is a great movie, and I'd be an idiot to the 25th degree to not include it on the list.

24. Rent
Christmas might not be the FIRST thing you think of when you think of RENT, but if you think about it, it is very much a Christmas film. More than half of the movie takes place on Christmas, and its main themes are love and friendship. If that doesn't say 'Christmas,' I don't know what does..

23. Christmas With The Cranks
Two parents want to go away for an island holiday, but are reminded of what the season really means.
Don't worry - this is not the only time you will see Tim Allen on this list.

22. Just Friends
A fat boy with a heart of gold turned hot douche falls in love with his high school best friend. At Christmas.

21. Fred Claus
Vince Vaughn plays the same character he does in every movie ever... except this time he's Santa's brother.

20. Frosty the Snowman

The Christmas carol that everyone knows stretched into a movie. With an evil magician added in for some nice sub-plot. Why not?

19. Mean Girls
I think this picture says it all. Best.Christmas.Scene.EVER.

18. It's A Wonderful Life
No, I don't like old movies. (Old movies to me = made before 1990). Nor do I like black and white movies. But plot-wise, this movie is a great Christmas film. If it was ever re-made, I'd be on it in an instant. Possibly a Rachel McAdams/Ryan Gosseling reuinion? I'm in. But remake or not - this movie serves as the plot for basically every TV show's Christmas episode... so it's okay in my book.

17. I'll Be Home For Christmas
Jessica Biel. JTT. Christmas. Roadtrip.
I think you can see why this movie made the list.

16. To Grandmother's House We Go
Mary-Kate. Ashley. Christmas. Roadtrip.
I think you can see why this movie made the list.

15.Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
To be honest, I always get this movie confused with "The Year Without a Santa Claus." But I enjoy them both.

14. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer
Story telling snow men? An elf that would rather be a dentist? A red nosed reindeer that sounds like a tranny with a cold? An island of toys that would make Syd from Toy Story squeal with delight? Christmas GOLD.

13. A Muppet Christmas Carol
A retelling of the classic Christmas story... but with Muppets. There's like, 7 things that are flawless about the previous sentence.

12. The Grinch Who Stole Christmas
The cartoon; NOT the Jim Carrey/Taylor Momsen one. I repeat... NOT the live-action version.

11. A Christmas Story
I didn't see this movie until high school, when one of my teachers (who didn't so much teach as much as he degraded women, made fun of my obsession with the Olsen twins, and let us watch movies) introduced me to it. It's still the best thing he ever taught me.
10. The Year Without a Santa Clause
God bless you, Heatmeiser. God bless you.
9. The Holiday
While I CAN'T STAND Jack Black under most circumstances, he somehow manages to win me over in this movie... Add in Cameron Diaz (who is my favorite of Charlie's Angels) and Kate Winslet, and you have a cup of British holiday cheer.

8. Four Christmases

Reese Witherspoon could star in "The True Story of How Poop is Made," and I'd watch it. I love her and I love Kristen Chenoweth. Together. In a Christmas movie? Done and done. Sure, Vince Vaughn is in it... playing the same character as before (except this time not as Santa's brother), but it's still good for many, many laughs - especially if you find Vince Vaughn funny. If not, it's just good for many laughs.
7. Diva's Christmas Carol
A Christmas Carol with a SBW as Scrooge? And Kathy Griffin and T-Boz as ghosts? I'm sorry... this was made for the gays. But instead of telling you why this is one of the greatest Christmas movies, I'll show -

6. The Family Stone
This movie makes me want a deaf boyfriend. Or a black one. Or Rachel McAdams as a snarky sister. Sarah Jessica Parker's character may be the least likeable character in a Christmas movie ever - even ahead of the Grinch and Scrooge, but the rest of the cast does more than make up for her. With that said, it's still a great family film - definitely the saddest on the list, but a great family film, none the less. Just remember to bring the tissues.

5. The Santa Clause
I told you Tim Allen would be back...

4. Home Alone 2
Kevin McAllister is back - ass kicking & sassing the 2 thieves that he tormented last Christmas... this time in New York City. This movie would be higher on the list, but...

3. Home Alone
Nothing will ever surpass the original. Keep the change, ya filthy animal...

2. Elf
If this movie doesn't make you laugh AND warm your heart, you're a cotton headed ninny mungus with no sense of humor and no heart... so Merry Christmas.

1. Love Actually
This is a sign I made describing this movie. No, not really - but this movie, like Rent, has all different forms of love... and I can't watch it without tearing up (in a happy way, of course!)

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

"We R Who We R"

Ke$ha's "We R Who We R" video premiered today. Finally (I feel like I've been waiting forever...), and people are already tearing it apart.... so much so, that you'd think it wasn't a music video, but the latest episode of GLEE.

 
Some people are saying it looks cheaply made. A few are saying she is hopping on the "It's okay to be different, we're people, too! It Gets Better!" bandwagon with this song. Some are saying she is clearly mocking Gaga's "Telephone" video. Others are calling it the poor man's "Firework" video. The worst are those taking the low road and saying they need a shower after seeing her.

 
I, for one, love it. Ke$ha, the song, the message, the video - all of it.

I've loved her dirty, just rolled out of someone else's bed look since the first time I saw her. She finds a way to combine street trash and fabulous, and makes it work. She doesn't need a shower. In fact, it's those rare instances when she looks clean that I don't like the way she looks.

Mocking Gaga? Paying homage? I'd like to believe it's the latter, but either way - I loved the "Telephone" video, so references to it anywhere are okay in my book. And if it turns out she is mocking it, I'll just say it's a spoof and move on. (I love spoofs...)

As for the message of this song - sure, it seems convenient that after a harsh wave of teen suicides, there are plenty of artists (Pink, Ke$ha, Katy Perry) who are singing songs about not fitting in and being yourself. And yes, we know Christina did it first with "Beautiful" - at a time when it wasn't the safe option to sing about it. But whether it's jumping on a bandwagon or not, this message is one that needs to be heard now by some people. We can only hope that when the nation moves on to their next big campaign, and struggling teens are not media's main focus anymore that these artists are still sending out messages of support...

Check the video below and decide for yourself.



What are your thoughts on Ke$ha's new video? Flawless or fail? Mocking Gaga or honoring her? Sound off in the comments section!!

My Friends Belong in "Special Education"

Well, it's that time of year again. Sectionals on Glee. A year ago, I was watching this show alone on my couch, tearing up as Rachel belted out "Don't Rain On My Parade," and full out sobbing while Shue chased Emma down the hall as the voices of New Directions sang "My Life Would Suck Without You." Part 1 of Glee's first season was officially over; I would have to wait until April to see my beloved song birds again...


For the two of you who don't watch this show, this is what you're missing.

But while we may see our favorite glee clubbers at Sectionals once more, it does not mean another pause. No, Glee will be back next week for a Christmas episode (!!!), and then we'll only have to wait until the Super Bowl for the show to return. Getting rid of the 4-month pause was not the only change since last year's Sectionals. Emma is dating Carl, (a dentist played by John Stamos), Finn slept with Santana but is dating Rachel, New Directions lost Regionals, Kurt transferred to an all boy's school, and possibly the most drastic change: I no longer have DVR. Or cable, in general. I'm forced to watch all of my programming online.

So, as I waited for HULU to post the newest episode, "Special Education," I asked some friends their opinions, and was showered with a sea of varying opinions: Mostly uneventful, but I still enjoyed it, def my least favorite; I loved everything about it, def one of my favorites; I'm hating Rachel more by the minute; Nothing happened plot-wise, I only liked one song.

As I sat down this morning, ready to watch, I didn't know WHAT to think. Would this episode change the way I felt about Rachel? Would I be bored to tears as I watched an episode that was full of no plot? I've watched the episode now, and the only conclusion I can make about why I received such texts is: I am the only sane one out of everyone I know that watches this show.

No plot? Did we not see the secret wedding, the unrequited love, the relationship problems, the fights, the break up, the jealousy?? True, SOME of these story lines may have been suited better if they were stretched out into an episode or two instead of being shoved into a two-minute reveal. But this is Glee; you're not going to get that. What we DID get is plot. A plot, which I would even dare to say, that was anything BUT "uneventful."

Hating Rachel more by the minute? BLASPHEMY. I can see where she can be a little selfish and whiny at times, but everyone in that school is legitimately NASTY to her. "We pretend to like you?" And Mr. Shue yelling at her and putting her down in front of the WHOLE CLASS? He is a terrible teacher and a terrible human being. I've been over him since halfway through season one, but he sealed the deal tonight. Rachel, I may be the only one in the world... but I got your back, girl.


Only one good song? In an episode filled with "I've Had the Time of My Life," Amy Winehouse, Florence and the Machine, and an acapella version of "Hey, Soul Sister," you're going to tell me there's only one.good.song? Sure, "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina" isn't my favorite song, but if anyone were to do it justice, it's Rachel & Kurt... People are seriously trying to kill me with words. It's not going to happen. Why? Because I am no longer listening to you - instead, I am popping in my iPod and playing the songs from this episode.


So, there are my thoughts on the newest episode. Next time I send you a text asking how Glee was, know that it is simply hypothetical. If your answer isn't "OMG. I LOVED IT," I don't want to hear it. Unless of course, I didn't like it... then you're more than welcome to dislike it, as well. Everyone can have an opinion, mine is just the only one that counts.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Burlesque

I've never been one to listen to what critics have to say about movies. For the most part, I don't enjoy Oscar nominated films. "Jennifer's Body" is one of my favorite movies, and it's no secret that it bombed - critically and financially. But I just hold my head high and ignore the hate for movies I love (or want to love based on trailers.) As soon as I saw the trailer for "Burlesque," I knew I would have to prepare myself for all of the anti-"Burlesque" hate that was sure to come my way. If I've learned anything from all of my years reading movie reviews, it's that, for the most part, critics hate performance-based movies. Shall We Dance, Center Stage, Center Stage, Crossroads, Glitter... Fine, some of those movies aren't that great. But I still enjoy them.


"Burlesque," which has a 34% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, is the next film in the performance-based genre to be torn apart by critics... for basically no reason. Is it the best movie out there? No. Is it the next "Chicago"? No. Does it deserve to be called "worse than Showgirls?" Hell no.

True, it's predictable and cliche. And Christina Aguilera may not be winning any awards of the non-Razzie variety for her portrayal of Ali, but it's clear that this movie wasn't made for that. It's about the songs, it's about the dancing, it's about burlesque. While the plot is slow at times, all of the performances do more than make up for it. The soundtrack is flashy and sexy... and, I speak from experience, fun to dance/work out to in one's bed room, but the filming of these performances, also flashy and sexy, stand out with quick flashes of skin and sequins.

SIDE NOTE: I may be biased... I would see (and enjoy) ANYTHING featuring Kristen Bell. She can do no wrong. And yes, before you ask, I DID see "When In Rome." And I own it on DVD.
Some highlights of the film, besides musical numbers, include a VERY brief (but very memorable) appearance by Glee's Dianna Agron, who brings "Angry Bitch" to the big screen flawlessly. Adding to the "Bitch" quota of the film is Kristen Bell, who exchanges some great one-liners with Aguilera. Also, the friendship of Stanley Tucci and Cher's characters is one that both warmed my heart and made me laugh out loud - two qualities that any great relationship should have.


It also didn't hurt to have Christina's love interest in the film shirtless on more than one occasion. Especially since he is played by the Eye-gasm, Cam Gigandet. You will never hear me complain about a movie where I see his bare ass on my screen. Ever.


But no, the movie was NOT perfect. As stated before, the plot was slow at times. Also, there seemed to be big build-ups in some sub-stories, only to have the "climax" and resolutions less than fulfilling. For example, many characters warn Ali to beware of Eric Dane throughout the whole movie. He can't be trusted, etc... It turns out that he is looking out only for himself, but that's not nearly as exciting as having him attempt to rape her... which is what I thought was going to happen. Maybe it's just me? Besides that, it took me more than half the movie to realize it took place in the present. Based on Christina's awful hair and the song selection in the first half of the movie, I thought this was a 90's period piece. Incorrect.



Bad hair and no attempted rape aside, I loved this movie. But, see the movie and judge for yourself. And if you don't enjoy the movie, you can at least put on a pair of booty shorts and some knee socks and reenact some dance numbers while you listen to the soundtrack in your bed room. What do you think I've been doing as I typed this?

Monday, November 29, 2010

Sexy, Trashy Friday: Queen B vs. Harajuku Barbie

I first realized I wanted to grow up to be a Sassy Black Woman (SBW) when I was a young lad of 5 or 6. My family didn't have Disney Channel (because in those days, you had to pay extra for it), but those special weekends throughout the year when Disney Channel gave free access to everyone, I made my grand fatherwhip out blank VHS tapes and record "Adventures in Wonderland." Little did he know I was watching so that I could one day grow up to be the Queen of Hearts.


But because we live in a sick nation where society tells young white boys they will never grow up to be a SBW, I repressed those feelings and went living my life as a Sassy White Boy, instead. For 14 years, I held my SBW inside, keeping my sass, class and weave hidden from the world. And then something happened to me. And her name was Lil Kim.


I was obsessed, and there was no hiding it. No longer would I hide my SBW. There was no reason to. Kim taught me it was okay to be flashy and to flaunt my fabulousness, and I did. Eventually, she seemed to disappear, but I had her hits on mix CDs to keep me in check. My SBW was here to stay. Other independent women stepped in my life to keep me going strong - Beyonce, the bitch from "Save the Last Dance," Rihanna, Queen Latifah, Jennifer Hudson. It was okay that Kim was out of the spotlight. She made her dent in my life and was letting others finish molding me.

In 2009, she appeared on "Dancing With The Stars." I didn't watch. She wasn't the same. She wasn't making music. She had bad plastic surgery. I just wanted to remember my Kim from early 2000's. To me, Kim 2K10 didn't exist. I would always hold Kim: The Early Years close to my heart, but I would no longer be following her career.

Earlier this year, the world began speaking of another rap goddess making a name for herself: Nicki Minaj. At first, I was hesitant. But as soon as she spit her first rhyme in my ear, I knew I had a new role model. Suddenly, Nicki BLEW UP. She was everywhere. If you were a relevant artist in 2010, Nicki was rapping on your album. I wanted to be her for Halloween. Scratch that. I wanted to be her in LIFE. I was in love.


But not everyone felt this way. Especially not a certain plastic faced former rap goddess... She had choice words for my princess, my Barbie. And she spouted hate every chance she could. "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!" I thought, screaming like Nancy Kerrigan post-beating. My two favorite baddest bitches in the biz having a feud. Lil Kim accuses Nicki of stealing her style... blah, blah, blah. Just because she's a female rapper who is owning the charts? Does George Washington accuse Obama of stealing his style? Does Biggie accuse Weezy of stealing his style? No... George & Biggie have both passed, but even if they were still around, I don't think they would... So why all this Nicki hate from Kim?!

Oh. Kim has an album coming out early 2011? It's suddenly making sense. It's smart, Kim. Ride that Nicki train all the way to the bank. CHOO CHOO. I was okay with it.

UNTIL "Black Friday." Spitting hate at Nicki in interviews wasn't enough for Kim anymore... she released a track attacking Nicki and her album, Pink Friday. Not okay.

First off... the lyric that listeners seem to be quoting/loving is "It’ll be a murder scene/I’m turning Pink Friday to Friday the 13th."  ....The Friday the 13th reference has been done before, bitch. BY NICKI. In Ludacris's "My Chick Bad," Nicki says "It's going down, basement/Friday the 13th, guess who's playin' Jason?" So go ahead, Kim... turn it into a murder scene because Nicki will SLAUGHTER your ass.

She also uses Nicki's song "Right Thru Me" against her, using a clip from the song... which I'm sure she did not get permission for using. So I can only hope that after Nicki is done slaughtering Kim's ass that she sues it.
 
I have not forgotten where I came from. Kim gave birth to my SBW. But when she got up and left me on someone's doorstep, it was a group effort to make sure I was raised correctly. And I'm under Nicki's wing now and won't turn my back on her just because Kim is trying to step back into my life... 
 
I hope you had fun on "Dancing With The Stars," Kim, because Nicki owns the charts now... and let's face it - you're not welcome there anymore.

Nicki Minaj is Pretty in "Pink"



Originally scheduled to drop on Black Friday to tie in with her "Pink Friday" title, Nicki Minaj's debut album arrived in stores a week ago from today, Monday, November 22. While Tuesday is the designated day for CDs/DVDs to be released, Minaj found a way... yet again... to think outside the box and show how different she is. Releasing it on a Monday. Get it, girl.

The CD has been out for a week now, and the reviews are in. A lot of people are giving it luke warm (at best) reviews, and I get it. But do I agree? Of course not.

The biggest criticism of the album is that it is filled with slow, ballad-like songs, and Nicki doesn't show the side of her we've all come to love. While it's true that "Pink Friday" doesn't seem like it's coming from the same crazy bitch that brought us the verses in Kanye's "Monster" or Ludacris's "My Chick Bad," it's still an unfair critique. Why? Because Nicki is a self proclaimed Barbie, and she is showing us another role that she can slip into. Why can Barbie have so many sides - teacher, figure skater, astronaut, actress, socialite, President of the United States - but Nicki has to keep up appearances as "Crazy Bitch Nicki" 100%?

Yes, I like Nicki the best when she's slipping into British accents and threatening people's lives (as she does in "Roman's Revenge" with Eminem), but I can also appreciate her mellow, toned down raps, as well. In fact, two of the slowest songs on the album, "Fly" featuring Rihanna and "Save Me" are two of my favorite tracks.

No, it's not as good as some of the other albums that have been released recently... (Will anything beat Kanye's? I'm not sure.), but it's better than some of the other ones out there (Taylor & Rihanna, I love your work... but I'm talking to you.) In interviews, Nicki said that she wanted this album to be for everyone, and it shows. "Crazy Bitch Nicki" makes an appearance for a song or two, but there's also some pop vibes and ballads... Not one song sounds like any other song on the CD, and some other artists out there right now can't really say the same thing about their albums.

As we've all seen before, Nicki KILLS it when she is working with others. If I were her kindergarten teacher, I would give this girl an "A+" under "Plays Well With Others." I've already mentioned "Monster" and "My Chick Bad," but she's torn up so many other tracks this year with so many other artists. Willow Smith, Usher, Jay Sean, Trey Songz.  And it shows in her album, as well. Her best tracks are those featuring other artists - from previously mentioned Eminem and Rihanna to Will.i.am, Drake, and Kanye... the gang's all here, and they are WORKIN' IT.

Would I prefer Nicki's next album to be the one everyone expected? "Crazy Nicki" going bonkers and spitting rhymes in different accents? Obviously. But until then, I'll have "Pink Friday" on repeat.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Red Riding Hood

Screw "Tangled" and "Beastly." Okay, don't. I want to see both of them... but no matter your feelings on either of these fairytales with a twist, it's obvious that the only one that matters out of upcoming movies of this genre is "Red Riding Hood," starring Amanda Seyfried.


I've loved "Little Red Riding Hood" as soon as I heard it as a young child. Something about cross dressing wolves just gets me. Especially when the Tran-Wolf gets murdered at the end as revenge for eating grandmas and attacking young girls. It's like CSI: Fairy Tale Edition, and I love it. I would use "Little Red Riding Hood" as the basis for whenever I had to do fairytale-inspired projects. In high school, my theater arts class had to modernize a children's book. Clearly, my group did "Little Red In The Hood" - a rap version set in New York. Pimp wolves spittin' rhymes, sluts in red capes... it was literary gold. In college, my interdisciplinary arts class had to do a fairytale project combining theatre and a fairytale. Clearly, I did a "Little Red Riding Hood" puppet show. What can I say? It's my go-to fairytale.

So imagine my happiness when I heard "Little Red Riding Hood" was going to be a movie.

And then multiply that by 10 when I discovered Amanda Seyfried (Karen Smith, Lily Kane, Needy Lesnicki, Savannah Curtis) was in.

And multiply THAT by 1,000 when I found out the plot was involving werewolves.
Vampires are SO 2008. Team Jacob.

This is going to be my new favorite movie. Or it will suck.

Either way, I'm seeing it opening night. And probably more than once...

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Criss-Cross'ed

When Glee first began, I knew I loved Puck from the first minute I saw him on my screen. I wasn't sure if he was going to be a main character or just stay in the background saying anti-gay remarks about Finn joining glee club. Either way, I didn't care. I just loved this tan, mohawked stud on my screen no matter the amount of time he actually spent on there. But then an episode called "Acafellas" happened, and I knew Glee was on to something. Puck was shirtless. And had a nipple ring. And in another scene, he sang. I had found television gold.

And then I heard whispers that the reason Puck was so homophobic/such a bully was because he was secretly gay. Had the gods heard my prayers? Or at least... had Ryan Murphy? Maybe not. Self-proclaimed "Gleeks" are just crazy and looking for someone good looking to be paired up with the not-so-great-looking Kurt.

No, no matter what the NUMEROUS Youtube videos of a Puck/Kurt relationship may hint at, Ryan Murphy never had intentions to make Puck gay; he was too busy sneaking off with his best friend's girlfriend and making her pregnant.



And then Season 2 began. Well, it was announced. And casting had been done for the new season. Some girl from Youtube (Charice) was cast as Rachel's new enemy... blah blah. But more importantly, reports were FLYING that some hard bodied blonde, Chord Overstreet, was cast as Kurt's new love interest, Sam. My eyes approved, and when Season 2 finally began and I heard Sam crooning away, my ears approved, as well. But then... things went terribly wrong. I watched as Sam quickly found himself falling for... Quinn.


WTF. This Cheerio bitch stole BOTH of Kurt's men... well, MY men... but since I'm not on the show, I must live vicariously through him.

My time for mourning had officially begun. More casting news hit the internet; a new love interest for Kurt. I didn't care. If it wasn't Sam, I didn't want anyone. For all I cared, Kurt could grow old and die lonely, never having love. Sam was too busy trying to squeeze his way into Quinn's spanky pants, making no time for a gay romance with Kurt. It was the only relationship I've ever wanted on my screen; screw Ross and Rachel - Sam and Kurt were my #1 TV couple.



Youtube clips were sent my way of the new actor that would be playing Kurt's love interest. Disney cover songs. Cute. Whatever. I didn't care. Get off my screen, Darren Criss. Who needs another cast member on Glee? Not me. As it is, the supporting cast is two-dimensional and fighting for screen time because there's not enough time to split between so many actors. I didn't need another one taking time away from my precious Sam. Or Puck. Or hell, even Head Bitch In Control, Rachel Berry. Especially if they were from things called "Harry Potter: The Musical." Ew.



Although someone described his looks as mine and Taylor Lautner's love child, I still thought he was ugly. Even one of the snarkiest bitches I know was showing Darren love... What was happening to the world? He would never be Sam. Or Puck. Or even Finn (who I hate). I was over him before he even began. Boo, CRISS out Darren.

As I sat down to watch the latest episode, these anti-Darren thoughts were still roaming wild through my head. But don't you know it... as soon as he appeared on screen, my heart was warming up to him.

I mean... maybe he wasn't ugly.

And then I heard him sing. Well, shit. First of all, he (well, Ryan Murphy) knew how to win me over. Katy Perry. And acapella. It was official. I had crossed over. To Team Darren.
I had Criss-Cross'ed.



Will I scream and fan my privates if Sam and Kurt ever happen? Obviously. Does this mean I'm going to change my desktop background from a picture of Sam to a picture of Blaine? Obviously not. But it DOES mean I can watch Glee without protesting a Kurt/Blaine relationship. Maybe Sam really IS straight and will grow old with Quinn - he isn't, and he won't..., but no matter what, I can support Darren Criss in whatever he does.

Unless the words "Harry Potter" are attached. In that case - sorry, Darren, but I won't be supporting you anytime soon.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Friends Having Sex. Just Sex.


Today, I was introduced to the trailer for "No Strings Attached." I thought it looks like a pretty good comedy, and quite honestly - I'm excited to see it. A great looking, goofy guy (Ashton Kutcher) having "just sex, no feelings" with his friend (Natalie Portman). While I'm more excited about Natalie's movie, "Black Swan," this movie has still found its way towards the top of my "Must See" list.



Hold the phone. A movie with a "Black Swan" actress about a great looking, goofy guy (Justin Timberlake) having "just sex, no feelings" with his friend (Mila Kunis). It reminds me of another trailer I just saw... "Friends With Benefits."



While I may be in the minority in both of these scenarios, I would choose Mila over Natalie movie-wise, and ...would choose Ashton over Justin. Any way-wise, movie or other. I mean, I would not kick JT out of bed - even if he sang "Closing Time." But I would just prefer some Ashton on my Ass-ton. Sorry, Demi...

With that said, "No Strings Attached" is winning me over because of Ashton while "Friends With Benefits" is winning me over because of Mila. So which one looks like a better movie?

"No Strings Attached" looks like it's going to be a predictable romantic comedy with a few friend-on-friend sex scenes thrown about. Fine. I love me some predictable romances (to balance out the predictable non-romances in my life: wake up in someone's bed, put on pants, leave, shower, repeat.) "Friends With Benefits," while still looking predictable, looks less romantic comedy, and more comedy. Which I'm also fine with.

In conclusion, I'll see them both. And probably love both. And fine - I'd choose Mila & Ashton (which I just realized has a "That 70's Show" connection, but I was never a fan, so don't mistake my love for M/A as a love for that show...), but I DO enjoy Justin & Natalie. So if the chance ever came, I'd have "just sex, no feelings" with any of them. And since Ludacris is in "No Strings Attached," we can add him to the mix as well...

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Rocky Horror Glee Show

While some people were anxiously awaiting this year's Britney episode of Glee, (READ: me) others were setting their sights on this week's tribute to the cult classic, The Rocky Horror Picture Show. (READ: me...again.) Do not be confused by my excitement of both episodes - while Brit Brit and Rocky may be on opposite ends of the musical spectrum (are they, though?), Glee is the melting pot that brings them together.

The Rocky Horror GLEE Show, which can also be titled "Hallo-Glee-n" (by me...), was one of the better episodes this season (and honestly, of the whole series.) Musically and plot-wise, this episode was a hit. And as far as tributes go, there were some great nods to the original, which made my heart even warmer.

Musically, they used all of the hits from the movie/show. Except the Floor Show. Why "Rose Tint My World" wasn't in the episode, but "There's A Light (Over at the Frankenstein Place)" was, I'll never know. But besides that - "Time Warp," "Toucha, Toucha, Toucha, Touch Me," "Sweet Transvestite," "Damn it, Janet" ... They were all there.

My favorites?

"Sweet Transvestite" - Although I was not happy with the fact Mercedes played Frank (and if any bitch tried to steal the MALE LEAD of a show I was in, I would have her KILLED), her interpretation of the song had me FLOORED. I love a sassy black woman when she can own a track. I REALLY LOVE a sassy black woman when she can add her own flava to a track I already loved.

"Toucha, Toucha, Toucha, Touch Me" - It is no surprise that Emma sounds like a drowning, breathy cat when she sings. I think it's time they gave this mousy bitch some vocal lessons and/or put "no singing on the show EVER" in her contract. With that said... the performance of this song had me rolling on the ground like a creature of the night. Shirtless Will, Santana & Brit watching from a window in the Colombia/Magenta roles. It's too good.



Plot-wise, while it wasn't the BEST we've had, I think it WAS the best as far as tribute episodes go. There were no dentist-inspired dream sequences nor a "Madonna must be played throughout the whole school" rule. There were just high school students doing Rocky Horror for their school's musical. Easy enough.

I also enjoyed the "boys can have a bad self image" plot line. Some boys do have poor body image, no matter how buff or toned they may be. And it was good to see it. Anyone can turn on Gossip Girl and see Blair vomit after eating a whole Thanksgiving pie, but it's refreshing to see that sometimes boys can feel bad about how they look, also. I don't think they show would ever go this route... but I wouldn't be opposed to a Sam eating disorder. And if this is getting too real for you - in a time when Gleeks around the world are all but slaughtering the photographers at GQ over a "Is it or isn't it controversial?" photo shoot (Answer: It's not), it was nice to show that Glee producers can sexify their male cast members as well..
Sam pinching the fat that the Cool Ranch Doritos gave him. Currently my desktop background...



Okay... fine, screw the body image plot line. It was just nice to look at.