Friday, July 1, 2016

The Shallows

Whoever in Hollywood decided to combine "Jaws" with "Castaway" and then suck out all signs of talent needs a raise immediately. "The Shallows" is a 86 minute long treasure that pits Blake Lively ("Gossip Girl") against one dedicated and pissed off shark, and we loved every second.

The movie centers on Nancy, a recent medical school dropout, whose dream is to surf on the secret beach that her dead mother used to visit as a teenager. Please take a moment to soak this in. Blake Lively in medical school. Dr. Serena VanDerWoodsen. This is Sign #1 that this is one of the most ridiculous things on a movie screen this decade. We are quickly introduced to Sign #2 when Nancy asks three different locals the name of the secret beach; none of which answer her question. They do, however, tell her to be in by sundown and to stay away from the reef, which stings like jellyfish if you get cut. Her token drunk whore friend keeps texting her things like "Sorry I can't join you today! Super hungover!" and "Won't be at the hotel when you get back. I'll be out all night boning!" Uh oh. Nancy on a mystery beach alone with nobody waiting up to see that she gets home safely. We've got a recipe for disaster, folks.

We fast forward a few hours, and Nancy is enjoying the waves. Nancy is a surf superstar (although it's clear that it's not Lively performing these stunts, which is fine, but please use a stunt double and some creative camera angles and not this cheap Snapchat face swap technology to plaster Lively's face on her double.) After surfing for a bit, she decides it would be a great time to go check out the injured grey whale floating on top of the waves. This is not a joke. Nancy swims over and places her hand on the whale, letting her hand slip into a bloody, messy open wound.

Little does Nancy know, but this whale was meant to be dinner for a very hungry shark, who has returned to finish his meal. Not thrilled that this could-be doctor has her hands all over his food, he takes a bite out of her leg. After some tricky camera work, Nancy somehow escapes his grasp and swims to the only safety she can find: ON TOP OF THE WHALE'S BACK.

She hangs out there for a little as she tries to decide her next move. Her eyes dart back and forth from the bouyee floating in the distance to the random rock protruding from the water a few yards away to the beach far off in the distance. As she tries to pick the best course of action, the shark returns, ready to fuck up Nancy's day a little bit more. He takes a bite of the whale and does its best to drag that beast underwater, forcing Nancy to make a choice.

She goes for the rock that is only about two feet above water, making sure to cut herself on the jellyfish reef along the way. Once she finishes making a scene and screaming underwater, she pulls herself up on the rock, where she stays for a large portion of the remainder of the movie.

Although -- minutes of only Blake Lively may seem like a lot, the creator does his/her best by giving her a friend in the form of an injured seagull. They talk, they cry, they eat live crabs together. Nancy decides she doesn't want to live if her new friend can't survive, as well. Whatever, Nancy. If they are the kind of choices you want to make, that's your business, not ours.

While constantly keeping us on our toes, the overall direction of the movie kept us confused. At times, the movie seems like an ad for a destination vacation. Gratuitous boob shots, hot bodies in the crystal blue ocean, shots of the sun along the horizon line. Other times, it tried to take itself seriously, throwing Lively's name into the Oscar pool; chapped lips, no makeup, laying for dead on a rock. However, minutes later, she'd be back to tanned skin and chlorine-drenched hair, looking like she stepped out of a lost Mexican vacation episode of "Gossip Girl."

Tone problems aside, Lively is entertaining enough in the role. With a better script, she wouldn't have been able to handle the role, making a previous Oscar contender like Jennifer Lawrence or Brie Larson a better fit. But given the material, she was a perfect fit for this movie. We couldn't imagine anyone els doing her best to survive this shark's vendetta, nor would we want to.

Speaking of the shark's vendetta, while we are aware that sharks don't realistically hold grudges and attack their victims like this ("Don't bother them and they won't bother you!" screams PETA as we write this), there has to be a reason as to why he was so he'll-bent on getting her. Our only guess is that he saw "Age of Adeline." We don't blame you, Shark.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Pilot Prattle: How to Get Away With Murder

From its first preview showing Academy Award nominee, Viola Davis, sporting a short stylish haircut and a red leather jacket being a bitch in front of a chalkboard, we knew we had found our new favorite show. Sorry, Olivia Pope, there's a new gal in town, and she's taking over #TGITs.

According to early Nielson ratings, the premiere brought in 14 million views. This compares to 11.9 million for this week's Scandal premiere, the show's most viewed epiaode to date.

The show is Legally Blonde meets I Know What You Did Last Summer meets Damages with a dash of Teaching Mrs. Tingle. In short, it's Pretty Little Liars for adults.

The episode begins with four panicked law students trying to figure out what to do with the murder weapon and the dead body they have on their hands. We flash back to three weeks ago, where we find out the four students are in the same class taught by Annalise Keating (Viola Davis), and besides that, the four don't have much in common.

Annalise is a no-nonsense professor who pits her students against in each other in classroom contests, all vying for the chance to help her with a case. Her personal life involves sitting on her desk while the most muscular detective we've ever seen (not her husband) goes to work on her downstairs.

As the pilot progresses, we learn more about the students we met earlier, but don't learn anything more about the body they have decided to roll in a carpet and burn.

Manipulation, an attempted murder case, gay sex, secrets, and lies fill the hour until we are taken back to modern day. The students unroll the carpet, revealing their victim as the closing credits begin to roll.

We gasped, we screamed, we giggled - it's everything a first episode should be. We haven't enjoyed a pilot this much since Veronica Mars. 

Viola Davis is perfectly cast as Annalise. We've seen her shine on the stage and the big screen, but she was made for television. Her performance is so enthralling that you can't help but be captivated by this woman. You find yourself rooting for her although she is a vile person.

With so many twists in the first episode alone, we can't wait to see where this show takes us. It's bound to take us on one hell of a ride, and we're not sure we want to wear our seat belts.

Pilot Prattle: black-ish

If you've been anywhere near our site during the past few weeks, you know that "black-ish" is one of the shows we've been most excited for. After watching the pilot last week, it did not disappoint.

Starring Anthony Anderson, the incredibly charismatic Tracee Ellis-Ross, and Laurence Fishburne, "black-ish" tells the story of a successful black family living in an LA suburb (read: all white people) and the inner conflict of the patriarch (Anderson).

We're not exactly fans of Anderson's work (his death in Scream 4 was the worst part of the entire franchise), but as Andre, he works. We believe, to put it in modern terms, the struggle is real for him.

The show begins with Andre introducing the audience to his opinions: His identity has been stolen, and "urban" (read: black) culture is being defined by large reared Kardashians, break-dancing Asians, and white R&B singers. Blackness has been compromised.

At home, his oldest son wants to turn in his basketball shoes for a field hockey stick and his twins describe their only black classmate by her characteristics, ignoring her physical attributes. His work life isn't any easier for him, recently being promoted to senior vice president of the new "urban" devision .

After arguments with his family about said issues, Andre decides he and his family need to "keep it real," which leads to a coming-of-age "Bro-Mitzvah" for his 13 year old son.

The views and commentary in this show may not be new, but they are certainly new-ish to television, which is a welcomed change. With most of the Neilson families being the white suburban families the show pokes fun at, it's no wonder Olivia Pope is more or less the extent of scripted black television. This year's fall programming has more than doubled the amount of racially diverse leads, which is a great start, but as far as having something to say, "black-ish" is at the top of the list.

What works best is that the show doesn't focus on just one view of what being black means, but instead, shows the opinions of all involved. The father has different opinions than the mother who has different views than her father in law who has different opinions than his grandchildren. There's a lot of emotions and different point of views being portrayed, and they are all welcomed.

It's deep, funny, and truthful while finding a way to not scare off white viewers by being too preachy. Creators of "black-ish," we salute you. Can we get a fist bump, brotha?  

Thursday, September 25, 2014


Stee-phen. Can you even believe it? Ten years ago to this very day, one of the most ground-breaking shows to ever hit our television screens aired its first episode.

Fine. It may not have changed television as we knew it, but it did introduce us to the girl who would soon be known as "The Girl Who Didn't Go to Paris," Lauren "LC" Conrad. Which is good enough for us.

In honor of this special anniversary, we chose the theme song, "Come Clean" by Hilary Duff as this week's Throwback Thursday.

Sit down, relax, put on your best black and white attire, watch the video, and most importantly... keep dancing on the bar, slut!

What's your favorite "Laguna Beach" moment?

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Blink and You Missed It!

We here at Sexy Trash LOVE Broadway! Chances are, if you see a Broadway musical or play these days, you will most likely see a familiar face on stage. Sometimes you will recognize a star, and other times you will see someone whose star has burnt out. 

Listed here are some stars heading to the stage that you may not have known about:

Rupert Grint

Though he has one stage role under his belt in London, he is making his Broadway debut in October alongside Nathan Lane, Matthew Broderick, Megan Mullally and Stockard Channing. He will be playing the role of Frank Finger in It's Only a Play.

Rupert s best known for his role as Ron Weasley in the Harry Potter films. His Potter costars, Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe, have seen moderate success at the box office compared to Grint. Though none of them will (probably) ever reach the film success they had with the Potter Films, we hope Rupert finds his niche on Broadway.

Jake Gyllenhaal

Jake Gyllenhaal seems to have gotten more press over the years for his high profile relationships with Reese Witherspoon, Taylor Swift and most recently Rachel McAdams, than his movie roles.

What used to appear to be a promising film career with remarkable roles in Donnie Darko, Brokeback Mountain and Jarhead seems to have wavered off and in its place he has chosen more traditional Hollywood-type roles.

His Broadway debut is this December in Nick Payne's Constellations. Kudos to him for leaving his comfort zone, something that made us fall in love with him in the first place.

Maggie Gyllenhaal

Being the Solange of the Gyllenhaal family, she never quite reached the same popularity as her brother, but she has made a name for herself in her own right. Despite receiving many awards and nominations, she still doesn't seem to have the pull and recognition she has worked hard for the past 20+ years.

No stranger to the stage, she will star this October in The Real Thing alongside Ewan McGregor and Cynthia Nixon.

Keep working at it, Maggie... you'll get there eventually... maybe?

And across the pond, we have..
Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay... we really hope you cleaned up your act this time! We want nothing more than for you to make a comeback, and hopefully your premiere on West End in Speed the Plow sets you on the right path.

We know you have talent in you somewhere (maybe deep down... below all that spray tan and plastic surgery...) and we are just waiting for you to dominate on stage and make your way back to the big screen and into our hearts. That would be grool!

Well, that is all for this week. We wish them all the luck in the world, and hope the newcomers don't become laughingstocks of the theater circuit... though it would give us entertaining gossip. Until next time...

Monday, September 22, 2014

Man Crush Monday: Robert Ri'Chard (NSFW)

This week's Man Crush Monday is Cousin Skeeter!

No, not the puppet - Robert Ri'Chard, the human star of the old Nickelodeon show.

Since Cousin Skeeter, he made appearances in a few movies and television shows (House of Wax, Veronica Mars, One on One), but seems to have disappeared for quite some time. We've always wondered where he went, but Holy Hannah Montana, when we saw recent pictures, the answer was clear. Baby Boy has been at the gym.

Robert has taken over the lead role in Chocolate City (the black equivalent of Magic Mike) after Romeo Miller allegedly couldn't handle the dance moves.

Um. We're fine with the casting changes.